Without a Phone

(BRIGGS and MATT are sitting in a café.)

BRIGGS:  I really have to do it more often.

MATT:  I believe it, man.  Turning off your phone is so good for you.

BRIGGS:  One week.  One week with no phone and I feel lighter.  It’s just—you know, I feel like I’m actually communicating with people.

MATT:  I feel like we’re really connecting right now.

BRIGGS:  And really—what did I miss?

(They laugh.)

MATT:  I mean, aside from the war with Canada, not much.

(The laughing stops.)

BRIGGS:  Huh?

MATT:  Did that not, uh—Nobody told you about—

BRIGGS:  Are you serious?

MATT:  Oh…Wow.

BRIGGS:  I—I was on an island.  It’s off-season.  It’s just me and the hotel staff and none of them have spoken with the outside world in years.

MATT:  So did you turn your phone off or did you just not get any service on the island?

BRIGGS:  I—It—We’re at war with Canada?

MATT:  See, I texted you about it so I figured you knew.  I didn’t know you were on a phone break.

BRIGGS:  How did we end up going to war with Canada?

MATT:  Well, after they kidnapped the President—

BRIGGS:  The President’s been kidnapped?

MATT:  It’s okay!  He’s fine!  I mean, we think he’s fine.  He was kidnapped by Canadians, so—nobody’s really all that scared, you know?

BRIGGS:  Why would Canada kidnap the President?

MATT:  Because we invaded Montreal.

BRIGGS:  We—what?

MATT:  A bunch of gays from Maine got drunk and invaded Montreal, but, lo and behold, apparently Canda’s army isn’t really that effective, either that or Montreal is really okay with being run by American gays, because, in like, two hours, the whole city had fallen…to the Maine gays.

BRIGGS:  How did I not hear about this?

MATT:  It was all over Facebook.  Did you not have your laptop on you either?

BRIGGS:  I—there was no wifi.

MATT:  Jesus, and this was a vacation?  It sounds like a prison sentence.

(CHLOE enters and sits down with them.)

CHLOE:  Hey guys, sorry I’m late.  Now that we’re sending people to Mars, things at NASA have been—

BRIGGS:  We’re sending—I’m sorry, who are you?

CHLOE:  Is that a joke?

BRIGGS:  …No?

CHLOE:  Briggs, come on.

MATT:  Oh wow.

BRIGGS and CHLOE:  What?

MATT:  (To CHLOE.)  He doesn’t know.  He’s been off the grid.

CHLOE:  Oh my God.

BRIGGS:  What?

CHLOE:  You don’t know?

BRIGGS:  No about what?  Is this about the war with Canada?

CHLOE:  No, it’s about me.  Not about the war with Canada or how they invaded Idaho—

BRIGGS:  They invaded Idaho?

MATT:  Idaho for Montreal?  I think that’s a pretty decent trade.

BRIGGS:  (To CHLOE.)  Who ARE you?

CHLOE:  I’m your brother.

BRIGGS:  My—huh?

CHLOE:  I’m sorry, but I tweeted about it, like, twelve times.

BRIGGS:  Uh, uh, uh—

CHLOE:  And I put up all those Instagram pics—

BRIGGS:  Uh, uh, uh—

MATT:  That island he was on had no contact with the outside world.

BRIGGS:  You’re my—but—

CHLOE:  I mean, if I had known that, I would have called you—

BRIGGS:  Wait—which brother?

CHLOE:  You can’t tell?

BRIGGS:  No!

CHLOE:  Alex.

BRIGGS:  Alex?  Not Joe?

CHLOE:  You know what?  I would have thought Joe too.

BRIGGS:  Right?

CHLOE:  Yeah, I can see how you would think that.  But no.

MATT:  She’s Chloe now—and we’re dating.

BRIGGS:  Wait, I thought we were dating?  Isn’t this a date?

MATT:  Nooooo I’m straight now.

BRIGGS:  When did that happen?

MATT:  Well, it was before the war, so it feels like a lifetime ago now.

CHLOE:  We met here at the café and we just hit it off right away.

MATT:  I would have called you, but—

BRIGGS:  Off the grid—right.

CHLOE:  I’m sorry, Briggs.  I know this all must be a bit much for you.

BRIGGS:  Is there anything else that happened while I was twenty miles off the coast of Florida?

MATT:  I don’t think so.

BRIGGS:  Nothing?

CHLOE:  Nothing that jumps out at me.

BRIGGS:  You both sure?

MATT, CHLOE:  Pretty sure./I think so, yeah.

BRIGGS:  Okay, so war with Canada, President’s kidnapped, gays have taken over Montreal, and my brother is a woman.

(A beat.)

I guess I can get used to all that.

MATT:  See that?  No reason to turn the phone on.

BRIGGS:  Yeah, I’m still totally in favor of my decision.

CHLOE:  Good for you, Briggs.  That’s really admirable.

BRIGGS:  I’m all caught up on current events—and what did I really  miss?

MATT:  Nothing!

BRIGGS:  Well, there you go.

CHLOE:  By the way, did you remember to DVR Game of Thrones?

BRIGGS:  Shoot.  You know what?  I totally forgot.  Why did something good happen?

(MATT and CHLOE look at each other.)

MATT:  Uh…

CHLOE:  Well…

BRIGGS:  What?

MATT:  You should check your phone.

(BRIGGS takes out his phone and immediately begins hunting down the information.)

BRIGGS:  Facebook, Facebook—ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

MATT:  Yeah, it was rough.

(BRIGGS brandishes his phone.)

BRIGGS:  This is never going off again!

MATT/CHLOE:  That seems like a good idea./Probably a good call.

(Lights.)