The Cat's Not Used to You

The thing is, Carol, the cat’s not used to you

It’s not your fault, you know

You shouldn’t feel bad about it

I really don’t want you to feel bad about it

But the fact is, Linus does not like strangers

And you, Carol, are a stranger

Not to me, of course, we’ve been friends for years

But you haven’t been over the house much

Because Linus doesn’t like strangers

And so, here you are, a stranger

Trying to do me a favor and look after him

Which I, gee, you know, I very much appreciate it

But if you’re wondering why he keeps attacking you

That’s probably why

You just have to get to know him

He’s really a very sweet cat

I mean, he does tend to bite and scratch

And lunge at anybody who goes near him

But other than that, he’s really a big sweetheart

Now, I’m his mother—practically, I mean, I’m not a cat

But I’ve had him since he was just a few weeks old

So as far as he knows, I’m his mother

And so he only bites me a few times a day

But anybody else?

Boy oh boy

He will take you to task, so to speak

That’s why when you agreed to watch him

I told you that—and I’m not chastising you here

Because again, you did me a favor

--But, I did say that maybe it might be a good idea

To wear Kevlar while you were house-sitting for me

Not that I wanted you to panic or anything

I just wanted you to be prepared

Because Linus can be such a handful

And because he’s been doing this new thing

Where he climbs up on top of my wardrobe

And waits for me to fall asleep

Just so he can jump on top of my face

And start clawing at my eyes

Which is why I’m in the hospital in the first place

Which is why I left you the goggles to sleep in

Even though I didn’t really go into the whole thing in the note I left

Because I didn’t want to, you know, try to stop Linus from doing the whole eye-clawing thing, because he does really take such, you know, joy in it

And he has such little joy in his life

I don’t know why

But he just…doesn’t

I try my best, but, like any parent

Sometimes

I come up short

And speaking of coming up short

I’m not sure I can afford to pay the medical bills you sent me

At least not right away

But I’ll certainly try to recompense you for your—apparently—many, many injuries

As soon as my own hospital bills are paid for

I hope you’ll still be attending Linus’ birthday party next month

As we’d love to have

Well…

…I would anyway

I have to admit

It’s usually just me and him