Advice from Friends

The first thing they ask you

Is what you’re going to do

As if you have any idea

What you’re going to do

As if you’re even past the denial

That rushed up on you

The minute you found out

A few of them ask

How it happened

And you don’t know how it happened

Because you used to say you were careful

But as soon as you think to say that

To say--

‘I don’t know.  I was careful’

You realize how stupid you sound

Because isn’t everyone careful?

Isn’t that exactly what everyone says

When someone asks them

What happened?

They ask what you’re going to do

And then they ask what happened

Even though it should be

The other way around

But it was that way for you too

Wasn’t it?

Who cares why it happened

The point is

It happened

And the important thing

Is what are you going to do about it?

That’s when there’s a glance

A quick bite on the lip

Or maybe the removal of a cigarette

From a purse

The prepping

Before

The advice

One friend says you should do it quick

If you’re going to do it

Don’t go back and forth on it

Because it becomes harder

The longer you wait

Even if you just wait a day

Or two days

She speaks in a way

That says ‘I’ve been there’

But she doesn’t say she’s been there

Although the way her hand shakes

You can sense a memory

Buried somewhere

Under the advice

Another friend talks about her two kids

And what a blessing they’ve been to her

How she considered not having the first one

And what a huge mistake that would have been

You nod and nod and nod and nod

And imagine her head exploding

Into a million pieces

Your friend was once a dancer

She was pursued by great artists

Who wanted her to come and dance for them

And their companies

In cities like London and New York

Now she posts photos on Facebook

Of barbecues

And short haircuts

And although there’s nothing wrong with that

You find it hard to believe her

When she says that this is the life she wanted

The life she always wanted

That there was never any other kind of way

Her life could go

One friend gives you the name of a doctor

Another the name of a clinic

One offers to go with you

If and when you go to get it done

No one will say abortion

No one will say what it is

You could get done

One of your friends, a beautiful girl

With auburn hair

Tells you that she’s had two abortions

One when she was in high school

And one more recently

And before you can stop yourself

You make a face

At the idea of having two

As if two is so much greater

Than one

She sees your face

Raises an eyebrow

But continues to talk

Because she’s a good friend

And she knows that your preconceived notions

Won’t be around much longer

That you’re about to be the sort of person
Who no longer has room to judge

What a strange feeling

Since you never understood

How much room judgement takes up

Until just now

Two of your friends sit you down at a coffeeshop

And tell you how worried they are about you

And your ‘lifestyle’

You weren’t aware

That you had a lifestyle

Let alone a lifestyle

That would worry your friends

They ask you if you’re seeing anyone

Talking to anyone

‘I’m talking to you two,’ you say

And they think you’re joking

And explain to you

That this is serious

As if you don’t realize

How fucking serious

This whole thing is

They want you to talk to someone

Who will tell you what a bad person you are

And then fix you

So they can keep being friends with you

Forgiving you for becoming the sort of person

They never thought they’d be friends with

‘See someone,’ they advise you

They never say pregnancy

Or baby

Or abortion

Or clinic

Or anything that actually recognizes

The situation that you’re in

All they’re worried about

Is who you are

As if who you are

Has changed

Instead of just the circumstances

In which you find yourself

You leave the coffeeshop

And think about deleting both their numbers

From your phone

But you don’t

Because you don’t want them to know

How betrayed you feel by them

How each of their words

Punctured you

Not the way a bold knife would

But more like a pin

The pain surprising and nagging

Staying with you long after the effects of the coffee has worn off

And you can think about the whole thing

Without crying in your car

Wondering why it can’t be raining

So nobody would see you

God, how nice it would be

If nobody could see you at all

You go online and get advice

From strangers

Who speak in details

And without shame

Some of them talk about their friends

And the advice they received

Good and bad

Mostly bad

It seems as if advice

Is a risky venture

Why do experts hesitate

When amateurs dive right in?

Is this part of some kind of punishment?
The onslaught of never-ending

Suggestions

Opinions

And editorials

You can see how good it makes people feel

To open up to you

But as they open

You close

You close down

You keep your eyes open
And you listen

And nod and nod and nod

And nod and nod until you feel like

Your fucking neck is going to crack in half

But you do it

To show how well

You’re handling this

How ready you are

To make the decision

You’re going to make

Whatever that may be

And how great you’ll be

After you make it

You practice saying--

‘I’m doing really well’

So that you’ll be ready

The next time

You see all these people

‘I’m doing really well’

And then you’ll ask them

How they’re doing

They’ll tell you all their troubles

And you’ll give them

Your best advice

Because that’s what you do

That’s what you’ve always done

Offer up things

You know won’t help

Hoping it’s enough

That you offered

Anything at all