Modern Day Spartans

You pack a lunch for them

And hope they come back alive

That’s it

That’s really the best you can do

And I make my lunches nice

I mean, I go all out

Because if the kid dies out there

Do I want him to die on an empty stomach

Because his mother didn’t feel like

Making the chicken salad he liked

And so she gave him tuna

And he gave it to a friend

And then he got impaled on a spear?

No

No, no, no

Chicken salad every day

And fresh

That’s how I make it

Because you never know

You never know if they’re coming back or not

I used to walk him to the bus stop

And along the way

Men with swords would jump out of the bushes
And try to stab him to death

Because he’s got royal blood in him

And the way I would handle it

Is by shoving him at them

The men

With the swords

Because if he’s going to die by the sword

Better get it over with

Sooner

Rather than later

Right?

Millie, next door, she used to stand in front of her son

When the men would jump out at her

And sure enough

Both she and her son

Ended up dead

Because her son didn’t know how to defend himself
And Millie certainly couldn’t defend either of them

And so they both died

And died a cowardly death, I might add

That’s what she gave to her son

A coward’s end

And, from what my son used to tell me,

Peanut butter and jelly

In his lunchbox

Not much of a life got taken away from him, huh?

I mean, that’s a terrible thing to say

But you have to really look at this

And ask yourself

What’s a tragedy and what isn’t

Tobey was training by age three

Right before Roger went on that business trip

And ended up getting torn apart

By the dogs of the enemy

That’s when I took up Tobey’s training

And it was not easy

Because of course you don’t want to let them

Sleep outside in the freezing cold

Or go days without water

Or make them stand on one leg

For hours on end

Until they beg you to stop

Because they’d much rather die

Than spend the rest of their lives

Preparing to die

And then you explain to them

That there are all kinds of ways to die

And the only true way

Is the way of the hero

And that’s why they have to take the lives of any man
That jumps out at them

From the bushes

And any other young boy or girl

Who threatens them in any way

Or maybe even their parents

Maybe one day I’ll come home

And I’ll see that Tobey came home early from school

Without telling me

And he’s sitting at the kitchen table

Holding a knife

And I’ll know that the time has come

For me to lay my throat bare

For my son to cut

Because having a mother makes him weak

Even a mother who once had him

Put his hand on a lit burner on the stove

Just to teach him how not to cry

When the pain is all you can feel

This not a kind world

So why should I be a kind person

Like Millie was?

Why should I raise a kind child

Like Millie did?

Why should I risk both our lives

Just so we can die

Holding each other

While the enemy

Celebrates another victory

And the school bus has to run late

Because a man with a sword

Covered in the blood of our neighbors

Is standing in the middle of the street

Shouting to the gods

About his offering to them?

I mean, I don’t know about you

But for me?

I don’t want to live like that

I mean, really

You know

It’s--

It’s just--

I mean--

Is that any way to live?