The All Tea Party

Boston Harbor.  Late at night.  1700’s.

JOHN:  All right, now first off, we need to be very quiet.

BEN:  Wait, wait, wait—who’s this new guy?

LEE:  I brought my cousin Nick from the New York Colony.

NICK:  Yasssss New York up in here!

A beat.

BEN:  What was that?

NICK:  What?

BEN:  You just—

JOHN:  Gentlemen, could we please lower our voices?

BEN:  But he just—

LEE:  Are you casting aspersions on my kinfolk, Ben?

BEN:  No Lee, I just—

NICK: C ousin to the rescue—Yassssss.

BEN:  He’s just very…loud.

JOHN:  Ben, quiet!  Please!

LEE:  It seems as though you’re the one being loud.

BEN:  Oh fine.  Enough of this.  Just get on with it.

JOHN:  We must dump all the tea we find into the harbor.

BEN:  All of it?  That seems to me such a waste.

JOHN:  Yes, all of it.

NICK:  Yasssss—all the tea!

BEN:  Okay, seriously, what is this?

NICK:  You got a problem?

BEN:  Yes, what are you talking about?

NICK:  I’m in agreement with you guys.  Dump that tea, bitch.

BEN:  Is there a unkempt woman nearby?

JOHN:  Ben, you are making such a racket—

BEN:  I’M making the racket?

NICK:  Yasssss racket.

BEN:  Is anyone else seeing this?

LEE:  My cousin makes a good point.  We should dump all the tea.

BEN:  Your cousin didn’t say that.  He said ‘Dump that tea, bitch.’

JOHN:  Ben, please stop speaking of women that way.

BEN:  But—

NICK:  Yasssss colonial feminism!

LEE:  He said ‘All the tea.’  And I am in agreement.  We should dump all the tea.

NICK:  All the tea.

BEN:  Fine.  Who boards the boat first?

JOHN:  I shall go first.

NICK:  Yassssssss John.  All aboard.

LEE:  I shall go second.

NICK:  Yassssss Lee.  You better follow up.

BEN:  I guess that means I’m—

NICK:  Yasssss Third Time’s a Charm, Lady Ben of Tea-Ville.

BEN:  What does that even—

JOHN and LEE:  Ssshh!

BEN:  You know what?  I’m out.  I’m going to go be a spy for the British.

NICK:  Yasssssss Benny.  You better betray your country.

BEN:  I’ll see you all on the battlefield.  I’ll be sure to shoot this one first.

NICK:  Yassssss come for me, Mama.

BEN exits.

JOHN:  And that’s how we lost Benedict Arnold.

LEE:  I’ll never understand it.

JOHN:  Nor will I.

NICK:  What a traitorous bitch.  Okay, so when are we dumping this tea?

The End