Phil's Friend

Oh hi!

No--no, no, no

Not here for either

Although the bride is lovely

Really lovely

Gorgeous woman

What’s her name--Kendra?  Kenna?

Is it Kenna?

Susan!  Right

I knew it was something like that

The groom seems nice

Although he has that weird tooth

Did anybody else notice that?

Are we not supposed to--

I mean, I’m not trying to be mean here

But it was, like, halfway to the third pew

You know what I mean?

I thought he was going to poke her eye out

With that thing

I mean, I had genuine concern

I’m Tom

Nice to meet you

Are you single?
Do you want to be?

Single, I mean

I’m making a joke

It’s sexual in nature

But you shouldn’t feel threatened

I’m in no way threatening

I’ve been celibate

For six years

And sober for four

Well, sober from alcohol for four

Sober from narcotics for two

And I quit smoking last week

And let me tell you something

I feel like simultaneously

Eating and fucking

Every single person

At this wedding

Not that you should take that the wrong way

I have no intention

Of trying to get in bed with you

Unless that’s something

You want to do consensually

In which case

I have to politely decline

Because my celibacy is important to me

Unlike my sobriety

So if you’ve got anything on you

That you think I might like--

No, I wasn’t--

Well, when you say ‘invited’

What exactly are you talking about?

Because I do know someone here

I know Phil

Do you know Phil?

He’s the bartender

He works for the venue

He doesn’t actually know

The bride or the groom

I mean, I don’t want to mislead you here

And have you thinking that I intimately know

Someone here at the wedding

I mean, I like Phil
He’s a nice guy

But I wouldn’t say we’re, you know

The best of friends

Or anything

Anyway, he told me there was a wedding tonight
Well, he mentioned having to work a wedding

And I was like ‘I’ll stop by and say hi’

And I think he asked me not to

But I was only half-listening

And now here I am

Life’s an adventure, you know?
You gotta really seize it

Seize the--the what?
The horns?

Life’s horns

That’s really what it’s about

The horns of life

And the food is great, right?

I said, You know what?
I’ll go to that wedding

Maybe I’ll meet someone

Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life

And even if I don’t

There’s still the food

Because wedding food

I mean, I don’t know what it is about wedding food

But it always tastes like--

I guess it’s just because

Everyone’s so happy?

And you’re drinking
And your family is there

And you’re all dancing

And something all that

And, like, the love and commitment

And the sanctimony of it all, it just--

I mean, this chicken melts

In your fucking mouth

You know what I’m saying?

By the way, what’s your name?

Hey listen, I know what you’re thinking

You’re thinking

I’m not going to tell this creep my name

We don’t even know each other

And you’re right

You’re totally right

I’m being a creep

And I apologize

I don’t need to know your name

Right now

...Because I’ve got our whole lives to find out what it--

Hey, if you’re going to the bar

Could you get me a drink?

Just tell Phil it’s for me

He’ll act like he doesn’t know me

But that’s just a joke he likes to play

Seriously

He’s a real joker

He’s funnier than me

And I’m the funniest guy I know

Just kidding

Just kidding

Seriously

I’m just one big

Fool