Looking Bad Out There

An Office.  MIKE is at his desk.  CINDY is at the desk next to him.  ROB enters.

MIKE:  Rob, where the hell have you been?  It’s eleven fifteen.

ROB:  Snow, Mike.

MIKE:  Rob, it’s not snowing.

CINDY:  It’s supposed to snow.

MIKE:  It was supposed to snow four hours ago.

CINDY:  That’s what I just said.

MIKE:  Okay, but it’s not snowing right now.

CINDY:  It could start any minute.

ROB:  I didn’t want to take any chances, Mike.

MIKE:  Take chances with what?  It’s not snowing.

ROB:  Looks like it’s gonna be bad out there.

CINDY:  Gonna be really bad.  I cancelled my yoga class tonight.

ROB:  Looking real bad out there, Mike.

MIKE:  It hasn’t even started doing anything yet.

ROB:  But they said it was gonna, Mike.

MIKE:  Them saying it doesn’t mean it’s actually happening.

CINDY:  You want to be out on those roads when it starts?  You could get yourself killed.

ROB:  Not worth it, Mike.

CINDY:  Not worth your life.

ROB:  Or anyone’s.

CINDY:  Not worth mine, I’ll tell you that much.

MIKE:  But why were you over two hours late?

ROB:  Because I didn’t want to be on the road when it started.

MIKE:  You live down the street.

ROB:  You know how many accidents happen just a few feet from your house?

CINDY:  Thousands every year.

ROB:  (Over-lapping on the word ‘every.’)  Thousands, every year.

MIKE:  The sun was out this morning.

CINDY:  That’s how it starts, Mike.

ROB:  (Over-lapping on the word ‘how.’)  That’s how it starts.

MIKE:  They said it’s only going to be one to two inches.

CINDY:  Oh, that’s bad.

ROB:  That’s really bad.

CINDY:  One to two?  Jesus.

ROB:  Jesus Christ.

CINDY:  Wow.

MIKE:  That’s nothing!  This is New England.

CINDY:  Mike, it only takes one patch of ice.

ROB:  One patch, Mike.

CINDY:  One patch, and you go right over a cliff.

MIKE:  What cliff?

CINDY:  The one you’re driving next to.

MIKE:  Have you two ever driven in the snow before?

CINDY:  Once.  And let me tell you something, I almost died.

MIKE:  You had an accident.

CINDY:  I mean, I didn’t pee my pants if that’s what you’re—

MIKE:  No, I mean, like—you were in an accident?

CINDY:  No, but I was all over the road.

MIKE:  What does that mean?

CINDY:  It means I was swerving in and out of lanes.

ROB:  Swerving, Mike.  It’s like that right now out there.

MIKE:  It’s fifty-two degrees out.

ROB:  Hey listen, I didn’t make the weather, okay?

MIKE:  That doesn’t even mean anything.

CINDY:  I should go home now.

MIKE:  What?

ROB:  I can give you a ride if you don’t feel safe driving.

MIKE:  There are kids outside with t-shirts on!

CINDY:  Friggin’ kids.

ROB:  No respect.

CINDY:  You got kids, Mike?

MIKE:  No.

CINDY:  Then why are you acting like an expert?

MIKE:  On kids or the weather?

CINDY and ROB:  Both.

MIKE:  Neither of you is going home.  It’s fine outside.  There’s no snow.  There probably isn’t going to be any snow, and if there is, Cindy you drive a truck and Rob drives—I don’t even know what the hell it is, but it’s at least two-stories high so I think it can handle a little snowstorm.

ROB:  You want to tell my mother I’m dead if I go out in that storm and don’t come back?

MIKE:  Oh my God.

ROB:  You want to tell her, Mike?

MIKE:  I thought your mother was dead?

CINDY:  Jesus, Mike.

MIKE:  He took two days off when she died last year!

ROB:  Oh, that was just to go to a Pat’s—Yeah, you know what?  She’s dead.  God rest her soul.  But you would have to tell my father.

CINDY:  And you’d have to tell my dogs.

MIKE:  What about your kids?

CINDY:  Like my kids friggin’ care.  All they care about is that phone.

ROB:  The kids with the phones.

CINDY:  The friggin’ kids with the friggin’ phones.

ROB:  Jesus.

CINDY:  No respect.

ROB:  Stay in school.

CINDY:  Get off the Facebook.

MIKE:  Everybody sit down and get back to work.

(ROB and CINDY look at each other, realize the jig is up, and sit down at their respective desks.  A minute later, the door opens, snow comes pouring in, and a man dressed in a snowsuit enters.)

MAN:  What are you people doing working?  It’s a madhouse out there!

                (CINDY and ROB look at MIKE.  MIKE puts his head down on the desk.)

                                                The End