The Low Point

I’m sitting there thinking

I don’t want to hurt this person

You know?

Like, I’m sitting there

Thinking to myself

I do not want to do anything

To, you know, in any way

Injure or scar the person

That is sitting across from me

And yet, there’s this other part of me—

Hi, can we get the check, please?
Thank you

--There’s this other part of me

That needs to be loved

Like, desperately needs to—

You know, when I was younger

It was just about desire

I needed to be desired

But then, I sort of—

Okay, how do I say this?

—I sort of—learned how to get people

To desire me

And it had nothing to do with

Making myself

Look better

It wasn’t about that at all

It was all about figuring out

What it was

That people really wanted from me

Well, from anyone, really

Any other person

Because everybody’s just—

No matter who you are

There’s something you want

That anybody can give you

If they know the right thing

To say

And so many of us

Think it’s about

What we’re looking for

But we’re not really looking for anything

We’re listening for things

But we’re not

Looking for them

Someone says something

And it catches our attention
And we associate…

Okay, well anyway—

I thought we’d have the check by now

Well, anyway

I was sitting there

Across from him

Thinking—

This is a low point

This is a real low point for me

Because what he was listening for

Was, uh, I guess the voice, or—

Somebody to tell him that—

That he had worth?
That he was worth something?

And I was supplying that

And I believed it

But…But it wasn’t love, you know?

It didn’t mean I loved him
It just meant

I recognized the value in him

And unfortunately, you know

Nowadays

That’s something you only get

When you love another person

And I know that

And so, I should have been clear

About what my actual, uh

Feelings or intentions were

Instead of playing into

What this person
Wanted to hear from me

But, you know, like I said—

Okay, thank you

Thank you and—

Uh, she had the steak, I think?
Thank you

Sorry, if—

No, it’s no—

Thank you

…It was really important

That he not just be into me

Or want me

Or, or, uh—

I needed him

To love me

That’s what I needed

That’s what I needed to hear

So…

I took him down a road

That would lead to that

That would lead to him

Feeling that

And I…

God, that was a low point

That was a really low point

For me

And, you know, back then

I used to do that kind of stuff

All the time

It was bad

It was really

Really

Bad