I Just Don't Trust Myself

I’ve been staying in my apartment

I had some sick time

At work

So I just used that

I don’t really know what to talk about

Like, what you want to know

You can ask me questions

I’m not embarrassed

Or anything

I’m just not sure

What to say

I talked to my mom about it

And she brought up

How she thought--

Has anyone talked to you

About adoption?

About the whole

Adoption thing?

About why they didn’t just

Give their baby up
For adoption?

So maybe I could do that?

Like, talk about that?

Why I didn’t---

My mom brings it up

Even now

Even today

She was bringing it up

And uh--

Well, now I don’t even know

What to say about it

Uh…

I guess, I didn’t go that way

As far as

You know

My decision-making

Because

I don’t, uh, trust myself?

I don’t trust myself

To, uh, carry a baby

Like, for all that time

And then give birth to it

And see it

And…

Give it away

I just couldn’t see myself--

I couldn’t trust myself

To do that

To, uh, bond

With a child

And then let it go

I knew I would change my mind

And I didn’t want to do that

Like, to some poor couple

Promise them something

And then take it back

I used to watch those

Like, movies where

Somebody would do that

--Change their mind

And I’d always think

Oh my god

They’re so awful

But then

When you’re in that situation

And you know

That it’s only a matter of time

Before something is going to be growing inside you

That you could actually form a connection with

You have to ask yourself

If you’re strong enough

To do what all those people do

Who give their--

You know, who do that

You have to ask yourself

If it’s a good idea

To even

Try to, uh

Try to…

Because if you try

Then after awhile

It’s too late

You’re going with it

You’re, you know

You’re pregnant

But you’re also, like

Living that life

I mean, what do you say

To people?

‘I’m pregnant

But I’m giving away my baby?’

How does that--

I mean, have you ever known anyone

Who actually did that?

I can’t--

I wish I was that strong

Because I would love

To help out a couple

Or something

People who wanted

To have a child

But…

I know myself

I know what I’m capable of

And--

I just don’t…

I just don’t trust myself, you know?

I just don’t

And I think--realizing that?

That I can’t, uh

That I’m not strong

Or brave or anything?

Like, that’s the worst--

That’s the worst part

Of all of this