Brian Graduates

Brian’s graduating

From Brown

With a degree

In something useful

As I understand it

And I don’t really understand it

But as I understand it

This will make him something of an anomaly

Compared to all the other students

He’s graduating with

Brian has plans

First plan is to move

That’s no surprise

The first plan

Is always to move

My first plan was to move to London

Because I was so over America

By the time I was done with school

But I went to NYU

So the truth is

Even if I hadn’t been over America

I would have had to move to London anyway

Just to create the appearance

Of upward mobility

Biran doesn’t have to go that far

He’s just going to L.A.

Which just goes to show you

That the 90’s

Are making a comeback

Kids now dream of L.A. again

After all of America

Collectively rejected it

That’s what’s happening

That’s Brian

That’s my son

That’s life after graduation

He’ll come home for a few weeks

On what I’ll refer to in my mind as

Brian’s Goodbye Tour

And then he’ll go to L.A.

And I’ll go with him

Maybe we’ll take a trip

Across the country together

And want to kill each other

By the end of it

That would be helpful

Because right now

The thought of him living

That far from me is…

Well, it’s tough

Brown, I could handle

Brown was a three hour trip by car

But L.A. means planes

It means a whole plane ride away

It means he’ll be coming home less

And it means becoming

A West Coast Person

Which is truly the last thing

I would want my son to be

It’s not that I dislike people

From the West Coast

It’s just that I’m a New Yorker

So I think they’re all crazy or gay

Or both

Brian is not gay

But he has experimented at Brown
And one time he brought home a friend for Christmas

Who I was sure was his secret boyfriend

Until I walked in on the secret boyfriend

And our foreign exchange student Nina

Brian thought the whole thing was hysterical

And the secret boyfriend was only twenty

And Nina was seventeen

And she was European

Where they start screwing at twelve

So what difference did it make, really

Brian needed to show that he was cultured

Brian, after all, was from Brown

No longer mine

No longer his father’s

No longer part of a family

No, he was a Brown student now

That is how he identified himself

And that is how he behaved

And that is who is leaving me now

Brian, the Brown Graduate

And I know I’m supposed to be proud

I’m supposed to be very proud

Very, very proud

But a part of me is wondering

What it is exactly I’m losing

Aside from the proverbial bird

In the symbolic nest

I mean, didn’t I lose him four years ago?
Or a part of him at least?

Where was the boy

Who was scared to talk to girls

Who didn’t care what he ate

Who could say truly insensitive things

And then feel bad about them for days

When somebody pointed out

What a prick he was being

Where was that kid?

This kid is too sensitive

He’s offended by everything

I mean, anything and everything

And when he’s not offended by something

He can’t imagine how you could be

And he won’t apologize to you

If you happen to be hurt

By something he’s said or done

If it’s fine by him, it’s fine

That’s Brian now

That’s who’s graduating

That’s who’s going to L.A.

And maybe I’ll just buy him a fucking plane ticket

And say good riddance

...But of course, I can’t

Because I’m his mother

Because suffering through a year or two

Of truly detesting your grown-up children

Is part of being a mother

You get two puberties with kids

They don’t want to tell you that

Those people who are supposed to tell you things

Because they don’t want to scare you

But your goes through puberty twice

Once when he or she is a teenager

And that’s the one you expect

But the other one happens

After they leave college

And they announce to you

That they have everything figured out

Only to promptly collapse several months later

When they realize

That they are never going to have anything

Figured out

That’s when they really become adults

And that’s when you stop being their parents

And become ‘Those People Who Didn’t Warn Me

About Any of This’

And why didn’t you warn them, huh?

Why didn’t you?

Brian is packing a suitcase

WIth barely anything in it

A pair of shorts

Some sandals

Condoms he thinks

I don’t know about

Everything else he wants to buy

When he gets to L.A.

And I say ‘Fine’
Because everything is fine now

Everything is fine for the moment

I have a son

He’s healthy

He’s gone through school

He’s graduated

From a very, very prestigious

University

And so what on earth

Do I have to complain about?

But while he packs his suitcase

And makes himself sandwiches

And spends an entire summer

Sleeping until 3pm every day

I can’t help but think--

What if all this

Everything leading up

To now--

What if this--

Was the easy part

And the tough stuff

Starts now?