Looking Good

Two summers ago--

Two summers ago?

Yeah, two summers ago

I got a job at this advertising firm

And it seemed like a pretty hip, kind of--

You know--edgy sort of firm, I guess

Not, like, stuffy

Or anything

So the first day

I show up wearing

Jeans and a t-shirt

Which is, like, my default option

When it comes to clothing

Like, that’s--what--I--wear

All day

Every day

Jeans and a t-shirt

So I show up wearing that

And, uh, my boss

This guy

Rich

His name was Rich

Fucking Rich

I should have called him

Like, ‘Yeah, that’s fucking Rich’
Not like, he was rich, as in wealthy

He probably was, but he was more like--

Rich--you know?

Like, yeah, you’re Ri--anyway

He’s like--

Uh, what are you wearing?

And right away, I’m like, Fuck

I misread this entire situation

And I am very underdressed

And I can tell from, like,

What everyone else is wearing

That I’ve really made a bad call here

I mean, there was no interview or anything

They hired me sight unseen

Based on my resume

Because my resume is a headboarder breaker

I mean, it is tight

And like I said, they seemed cool

So I really didn’t think that, like

I needed to walk in

Like I was going to the Met Ball

You know?

A Ball?
Is it a Ball or a Gala?
I don’t fucking know

Anyway

ANYWAY

I have to think fast

Because this guy looks pissed

And it’s my first day

And it’s one of those places

Where they’ll totally fire you

On your first day

Like, this is a no-chance zone

You’re not going to get to, like

Go home and change

So I look at this guy

This Rich

Fucking Rich

And I say to him--

And, honest to god,

I have no idea

Where this comes from, but--

I say to him--

‘Rich, this shirt costs eight hundred dollars

And these jeans are two grand

I’m standing here in nearly three thousand dollars worth of clothing

Which, if you count the shoes, actually total way WAY over that

And you’re standing there looking at me

Like I’m dressed inappropriately or something?
Are you kidding me?’

And there’s this hush

Like, the whole office goes quiet

Because clearly

Nobody fucking talks to Fucking Rich
Like I just did

And then Rich says--

‘Oh…Sorry.’

And that’s it

Like, he actually walks away

Clearly feeling pretty fucking stupid

For not recognizing

How expensive

My outfit was

And, uh, the best part?

It was all bullshit

The jeans were twenty bucks at Marshall’s

And I stole the t-shirt from my ex-boyfriend

My shoes were pretty fucking expensive though

Because I’d rather die than leave the house

In cheap shoes, but--

Okay, so there’s a point here, okay

Here’s the point--

I think he walked away

And I think I said what I said

Because I knew

On a subconscious level

That this guy

Has zero respect for fashion

Or creativity

Or expressing yourself

But he does

Respect

Money

And I knew that if I just brought money

Into the conversation

Like, a decent amount of money

He’d back off

And I was right

And that’s the lesson for you

When you’re dealing with someone

Like Fucking Rich

You show him dollar signs

You let him see

Your checks

And then you ask him

What he has to say for himself

And if you’re broke?

You bluff

It’s that simple

Oh, and you know what?

I didn’t look good that day

I looked

Fucking

Great