I Hope Our Kids Are Weird

You know what I’m afraid of?

I’m worried our kids

Won’t be weird

Like, what if they turn out fine
What would we do?

I mean, seriously

What would we even do?

What if they’re quiet?
What if they’re quiet people

Who just enjoy

Not being loud?

My parents were quiet

Yours are—I guess they’re quiet

Although I always assumed

They were just judging me

Whenever I was around

What if quiet people
Raise loud kids

And loud people
Raise quiet kids

What if the theory of opposites is true?
What if us being so fucked up

Means we we turn

Totally normal

Children?

I would be really upset

I mean, I would love them

I really would

I would love their boring little hearts

But I would be, you know

Kind of disappointed too

Because—

I worked really hard

At being this weird

Like, this did not just happen

Overnight

I put a lot of time and energy

Into cultivating

What you see before you

And now I run the risk

Of having kids

Who look at me

The way my high school

Homeroom teacher did?

That is messed up

And there’s probably

Nothing I can do

I mean, I can shower them with weirdness

But they could just rebel against it

They could just reject

Everything I love

I played The Beatles for Nate

The other day

And he just looked at me

With this true lack of appreciation

On his face

Like, he didn’t understand

This momentous occasion

That was happening to him

Now granted, he’s ten months old

But still—

Nothing

Not even a glimmer

Of recognition

For what he was experiencing

Wouldn’t you love

To re-experience The Beatles?

Wouldn’t you love

To re-experience

All the shit you’ve already experienced

Which is everything

Because let’s face it

We’re too old

To really discover

Anything

And I thought that was the cool part

About having kids

I thought you got to

Discover everything

Along with them

All the things you love

You can just

Pass on to them

But everything I love is weird

Including you

Oh my god

What if they don’t love you?
Or what if they don’t love—

No, that’s stupid

Of course they’re going to love me

They’re not going to have a choice

I’m going to force the love out of them

Even if it kills me

I just…

I want to know I can be a parent

For them

For, you know, them

Specifically

For these two

Little people

I want to be the parent

They need

I—

I got the wrong parents

I know what that’s like

And it—It wasn’t anybody’s fault, it was just—

They were one way

And I was the other

And we couldn’t, you know

Bridge that gap

And I don’t want that to happen

With me

I know there’s going to be a gap

There always is

But…

I need to know

How to get across it

So—

I hope they’re weird

I hope they’re weird as hell

Weirder than me even

Weirder than—

No, I mean, we don’t want them

Weirder than you

They’ll wind up in jail

I just want them to be people

I can hang with

And who want to hang with me

That’s okay, right?

I mean—

Is that too much to ask?