The Christmas Nazi

My mother is a Christmas Nazi

Every year, as soon as Halloween is over
She starts demanding that my father put up the lights

'Roger, I will not have our house drenched in darkness on the day of eternal light'

She completely skips over Thanksgiving

In my mother's mind, Thanksgiving is merely a minor speed bump
On the road to holiday bliss

'Bertram,' she'll say to me, 'What is the POINT of a holiday you can't decorate for?'
'We could put up turkey decorations, Mom.'
'Hahaha, that's not funny. We're not degenerate farm people, Bertram. We're civilized human beings who enjoy celebrating Christmas with tasteful decorations. Now help me hang this mistletoe in front of your grandmother's portrait. That woman used to suck Christmas spirit out of a room like a vacuum cleaner.'

By the time my mother is done decorating our house
It looks like Mrs. Santa Clause went on a mad shopping spree
Through the North Pole Ikea

Our living room is covered with fake snow that I'm convinced is actually just asbestos mixed with cotton balls
Our kitchen smells like burnt gingerbread for an entire month
And on the ceilings above each of our beds
She hangs flying reindeer

That might explain why every year in December
I have nightmares that Rudolph is stomping on my face

And then there's the tree

'Bertram, tell your father to take that tree back. It's simply not tall enough.'
'Mother, it's seventeen feet tall. The tree at the White House is smaller than our tree.'
'Well, I can't fit all my ornaments on it.'
'That's because you have forty-seven boxes of them!'
'That's forty-seven boxes of Christmas cheer and merriment, Bertram. I don't care if we have to cut a hole in the ceiling and move your sister into the garage, we are going to have a respectable tree. Now, go with your father to get a taller tree, and this time, haggle with them on the price. Don't let that filthy tree monger rake you over the coals again. And don't forget to wish him a Merry Christmas!'

My mother once overheard my father and I call her the Christmas Nazi while we were putting together the life-sized manger scene out on the front lawn

'A Nazi,' she said, at which point I tried hiding behind life-sized Frosty the Snowman, who for some reason in my mother's mind, was present at Jesus' birth

'If being a Christmas Nazi means spreading love and happiness throughout your community and wanting your family to experience the joy that only comes once a year, then yes, I suppose I AM a Christmas Nazi. Now, put this little red hat on the Baby Jesus. He's looking a little bland, and I won't have him ruining the entire aesthetic. Back to work, boys!'

She's right, you know
Christmas does only come once a year

And sometimes
That's the best thing about it

Frankenstein Talks to His Health Insurance Provider

...Yes, well, that's the thing...

It's not your typical arm

I think it belonged to a Latvian peasant

When I use that arm
I can shuck corn like nobody's business

And I--

What?

Well, I don't know

Would bolts in your neck be considered a pre-existing condition?

I mean, I was born with them, so--

My age?

That depends
Which part of me?

Well, my left leg is about forty-seven
My eyes are twenty-two
My thumb is four and a half
My--

Hang on, let me put the phone next to my other ear
The right one is from the deranged maniac
And whenever I listen to someone talk through this ear
I have the urge to kill them and bury them underneath the castle

Do I need fire insurance?

YES!

Lots of it

Now let me ask you something

Fire insurance protects you from being exposed to fire, right?

AFTER the fire?

Lady, the only thing I'm going to need after a fire
Is massive amounts of therapy

Can you--ugh, hang on

My right leg keeps flap ball changing

This is what you get when you use body parts from a Rockette

No, I don't need emergency room visits covered

Just as long as you can find me an outlet and some spark plugs
I'll be all set

Although I am going to need a family plan
The Mrs. just told me we're expecting

We haven't been to the cemetery yet
But I have a feeling she's either going to give birth to a thirty-seven year old duchess or a nineteen-year old streetwalker

I'm hoping for the nineteen-year old
Those duchesses can be such a pain
Once they learn to talk again

Hang on, I think I hear thunder...

. . . . .

I've gotta go
The Mrs. likes to make love on top of a piece of sheet metal
Whenever there's a storm

It reminds her of the night we met

Bye bye now, you pig humper

Sorry, that was the farmer's wife talking

Well, where did you think I got my lips?

Catch-23

This is what I get for dating bisexuals

Natalie met Dee last week at, where else
The Broken Bean

Worst name for a coffee place--EVER

Anyway, the two of them met
And were like--

Hey, didn't you date Sam?
Yeah, I did
Aren't you bisexual?
Yeah, I am
Wanna date each other and make Sam hate his life?
Sounds good!

I'm imagining here
Go with me

It's a total Catch-23

I mean, when does this happen? Ever?

My two exes are dating each other

One of the only good things about exes is supposed to be
That they CAN'T date each other

You know what I bet they do all day?

Sit around and talk about me

Didn't you hate his shirts?
Yeah, I really did

Didn't you hate his dad?
Yeah, he was such an ass

Don't you miss having sex with him?
Oh my God, sooo much

I'd bet that's the gist of it

I bet Natalie doesn't mind that Dee laughs like a car backfiring
And I bet Dee doesn't mind that Natalie has to be on top during--

Well, maybe that isn't the case anymore
Who knows?

I admit I've made some mistakes
But I never thought my mistakes would join together
Like some sort of supervillain alliance

Now I have to see them at parties
Walking around
Reminding everyone that clearly I was the problem
In both relationships
Obviously
Because they're dating each other
And they're doing just fine

Sometimes I have dreams about getting back with the two of them

I dream about sneaking in between the two of them
And it's not, no, it's--

It's not a sexual thing, it's just--

Maybe I was the problem

And maybe the two of them together could have fixed me

I know, you can't fix people, but--

Maybe that's because you're not enough by yourself
Maybe sometimes when you're really screwed up
You need more than one person to fix you

Maybe that's the problem with me
Maybe I'm the catch-23

Closing Night Statistics

Tonight we close
And I've kissed Jill Saggen
Nine times

One time she looked at me funny before the kiss
And so I started laughing
And I laughed into her mouth
Which was a very strange experience for me
Perhaps moreso for her

All the same, she was lovely to kiss
And my boyfriend agreed that we both make
A very nice couple

I've gotten Chinese food from the place across the street
Thirty-seven times over the course of rehearsing and performing this play

They now know me by name
Well, sort of
They call me Mr. Ralter

Mr. Ralter, you are truly good actor.

They didn't come to the show
But perhaps they like my posture
And my diction
And take that to mean
That I am amazing onstage

They're not aware that in this play
I'm portraying a hunchback with a lisp
So my posture and diction
Aren't really of much use to me

It's amazing that I get the girl at the end of the show
Unfortunately the audience doesn't seem to buy it
Which might be why we're closing after nine performances

I have called my director an asshole four times
Three times behind his back, and one time, inadvertently, to his face

He informed me that he may be an asshole
But I am a lousy hunchback
And then we both laughed

I've made twelve new friends as a result of this show
Including the assistant stage manager who always has a snickers bar for me when I show up at the theater
And the playwright himself who told me I'm exactly what he imagined when he wrote the play

I realize he's talking about a lisping hunchback
But I was still mostly flattered

I've done the ten second costume change correctly a total of two times
And all the rest of the time I came out onstage looking like an angry mob threw clothing onto me
Luckily, when you're playing a hunchback, an audience's expectations for your appearance are rather low

I've forgotten only one line during a performance
And I didn't even really forget it
I just...adapted it a bit

Instead of saying, 'You could never know the depths of my despair' I said 'You could never know the depths of the stairs.'

I reasoned with myself that my character does live in a very tall building
Thankfully, the playwright wasn't there that night

I have complained about this show and this role and some of these people
A total of one hundred and fifty-four times

When I heard we were closing, I ran into the bathroom
And started dancing on top of the toilet

So thrilled that I wouldn't have to spend another three hours
Humping myself--Yes, 'humping' myself

But then I got onstage
And I started listening--really listening
And looking at everyone around me, my cast
These people I've spent over a month getting to know
And getting drunk with
And eating Chinese food with
And complaining with and...

And I missed it
I missed it right before it was over
Which was lucky, I guess

And I started counting last times in my head

This is the last time I'll get to say that line I really love
This is the last time I'll get to do the sword fight
This is the last time I'll get to sing Aretha Franklin with Jill in the dressing room

And when it was over, I started counting other things

I gathered together all my closing night statistics

All the fumbling and fighting
Conversing and collaborating
Screaming and dancing

But as far as laughing...

As far as how much laughing has been done
Throughout this entire process
Well...

What can I say?

I lost count

Green Sneakers

My Mom got me green sneakers
Which is awesome
Which is so cool
Which is Mommmmmmmmmmm you're soooooooo cooooooooool!!!

I'm not even mad
That she made me clean my room yesterday
And I said I'd never forgive her
But I had no idea that she was going to get me green sneakers

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

What is wrong with the world
When you can walk around in green sneakers?

NOTHING!

I called all my friends to tell them
About my green sneakers
And they all agreed that they're jealous

They talked about it and they're really jealous
But they're happy for me
And that's how come I know they're my friends

MOOOMMMM!!! MY FRIENDS HATE ME!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

And the cool thing is, like, the coolest thing is
That my Mom lost her job
And she said to me--

Chris, Santa might not bring you that much this year for Christmas
Because, um--

And then she just looked sad
And started crying
And I said, Mom, it's totally cool
I don't want a ton of presents
As long as Santa brings me a laptop
I'll be totally happy

And she laughed, and then I felt good
'Cause I made her laugh

And I didn't get my laptop
But that's okay
Because laptops are for kids
Whose moms don't buy them green sneakers

And my mom did and that's why she's awesome
And she said I can wear them to school
Which means Jeanine Schlink will totally want me to be her boyfriend
Because I'm going to tie my shoes in front of her and say--

Ohhh, did you notice my...green sneakers?

And she will pass out from loving me too much
And then we'll get enraged
And have a wedding
Where Mom will be happy again
And not care that she doesn't have a stupid job
Because Jeanine's dad will pay for the wedding
Because she says her family is old money
Which is like money that's been around forever
So it's worth way more

MOM!!! I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! HER NAME IS JEANINE AND SHE HAS PRETTY HAIR!!! YOU'LL LOVE HER!!!

I'll even borrow some of that old money from Jeanine
Because she'll be my wife and have to give it to me
Because we'll share everything
Except all the stuff that's mine

And I'll take that money
And buy my mom green sneakers for Christmas
So she can feel cool again

That'll be awesome

I'm Sure That's Not My Gift

Ohhh Marcus

You are hysterical

Trying to pawn off a toaster oven
As your Christmas gift to me

I don't where this sudden sense of humor came from
But let me tell you something
It is refreshing

It is so nice to see
That you wanted to make me laugh on Christmas
A day when I usually end up furious
Because you either completely forget to buy me a present
Or you get me something like what you got me last year

By the way, that vacuum cleaner broke
About a week after Christmas

I didn't mention it to you
Because when it broke
You were sleeping on the couch
And part of me wanted to see if I could shove you
Into the vacuum bag
Before I threw the whole thing into the trash

Hahahaha...but I didn't

I just reminded myself to remind you
To get me something nice next year

And so I did

Did I not?

Did I not specifically write down for you
A list of seventeen different things
I would love to receive for Christmas?

And were any of those things expensive?
Were any of them hard to find?
Wasn't 'Just Give Me Fifty Dollars and I'll Buy Myself Something' an option?

And yet, you decided to order off the menu, Marcus
Rebel that you are
And get me this toaster oven

Marcus, I have a gluten allergy
Have you ever see me EAT TOAST?

Yes, I'm aware it can toast other things
That's not the point

The point is--Im' sure that's not my gift

I'm sure that there's a ring
Or a necklace
Or a gift certificate
Or a puppy
Or SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT TOASTER OVEN
Waiting for me at the back of our closet

I'm sure that you're going to pull it out
And give it to me
Laughing at how silly I am
To believe that you'd actually be so insensitive
As to get me, your wife, something like this, for Christmas

I'm sure this is all a joke
And that before your mother gets here
To let me know that I, once again, undercooked the ham
You will give me some reason
To prevent me from pulling this tree down on top of you
And going to movies

Well, Marcus, do you have one?

Do you have a reason that I shouldn't--

What do you mean open it?

I KNOW WHAT A TOASTER OVEN LOOKS LIKE!

What?

Oh...

. . . . .

Oh Marcus, it's beautiful

Sweetie, I'm so sorry

I can't believe I said all that

Of course, it's what I wanted
Who wouldn't want such a gorgeous gift

I love you, Marcus
Merry Christmas

Now, let's talk about my birthday

Brenda's Back at Home

The other day it hit me

I gave up being an editor
Of a major fashion magazine
So that I could chaperone my kids' school field trips

Oh sure, at the time
It seemed like the right thing to do

The kids were so thrilled

Mommy's coming to school with us!
Mommy's going on the bus with us!
Mommy's chaperoning the trip to the aquarium!

But the other day
When I was helping Josh
Move into his new apartment
Forty-five minutes from home
I asked him--

Do you remember when I chaperoned your trip to the aquarium
He looked at me with an understandably puzzled look
And said--

Uh, sort of, I guess?

It kind of deflates that whole motherly sacrifice thing, doesn't it?

To know that if you sacrifice correctly
Your kids are never actually aware
That you sacrificed?

But I don't resent them
I don't want you to think that
That I, you know, resent them
Because I don't

I just...I wonder if I could have done both

Could I have chaperoned the trips
And still been an editor?

I had sick time
I had vacation time
I had a husband, for crying out loud

And he certainly didn't lose any sleep
About not going to the aquarium

Isn't it funny that when mothers aren't there for their children all the time
It becomes this huge issue and their kids grow up to write books about them
But when fathers aren't present
When more often than not, they're NOT present
Everybody just says--

Well, what do you expect? They were making a living

At my peak, I was making triple what my husband was making working for that non-profit
And yet, when the time came for one of us to be a full-time parent
I don't think there was even a discussion about who would throw their career in the trash

And this wasn't in 1957, either
This was the early nineties
This was AFTER the feminist movement

So how did poor Brenda wind up sitting here
Twenty years later and--

Oh my God, was 1990 actually twenty years ago?

You know, I knew my kids would grow up
But I had no idea that the nineties would one day cease to be something
One could reach back and grasp
Without much difficulty

Anyway I'm sitting here
In an empty nest

...Well, not really empty.

Trish and Josh are gone
But Ben's still technically here
Although he just got his license
And we gave him Dan's old car
So I'm fully expecting to only see him at meals
From this point on

. . . . .

I chose to be a mother

I chose, and I stand by that choice

I'm just not entirely sure it was an informed choice

If someone had informed me
That the three people I was dedicating my life to
Would one day walk out on me
I might have tried to make being an editor work
In addition to being a mother

If someone had told me that the better you are at being a mother
The less your children need you when they grow up
I would have definitely renegotiated

At one time, I was a very smart business person

The better you do, the less you're needed

No wonder my children have given me the pink slip

My services are no longer necessary

My money, they can still use
And my ability to do laundry
But not my mothering

That they no longer need
At least, according to them

. . . . .

I was a damn good editor

I suppose I could go back to my old job
But it would feel like returning to a lover
One that I left for sippy cups and play dates

I'm back.
I've missed you--more than I feel I should have.
Will you still have me?

All the while I'd be standing still
While women younger than me
Walked around me
Looking at me like a relic
In a museum

The Woman Who Chose To Have Kids Before Forty

How sad

What would I tell those women?

About me
About my choice

All I can think of is the ball trick

The one where the magician shows you a ball
Then cups it in his hand

He puts his hands behind his back
Pauses, then brings them around front
And asks you to choose which hand the ball is in

You pick one, he opens it, no ball

Then he opens the other one, no ball

And perhaps at that point, he pulls it out of his ear or something
But it doesn't really matter
Because you still feel dumb

You didn't lose
But you didn't really win either

Because you made a choice before you realized
That the whole thing was a trick