I'm Sure That's Not My Gift

Ohhh Marcus

You are hysterical

Trying to pawn off a toaster oven
As your Christmas gift to me

I don't where this sudden sense of humor came from
But let me tell you something
It is refreshing

It is so nice to see
That you wanted to make me laugh on Christmas
A day when I usually end up furious
Because you either completely forget to buy me a present
Or you get me something like what you got me last year

By the way, that vacuum cleaner broke
About a week after Christmas

I didn't mention it to you
Because when it broke
You were sleeping on the couch
And part of me wanted to see if I could shove you
Into the vacuum bag
Before I threw the whole thing into the trash

Hahahaha...but I didn't

I just reminded myself to remind you
To get me something nice next year

And so I did

Did I not?

Did I not specifically write down for you
A list of seventeen different things
I would love to receive for Christmas?

And were any of those things expensive?
Were any of them hard to find?
Wasn't 'Just Give Me Fifty Dollars and I'll Buy Myself Something' an option?

And yet, you decided to order off the menu, Marcus
Rebel that you are
And get me this toaster oven

Marcus, I have a gluten allergy
Have you ever see me EAT TOAST?

Yes, I'm aware it can toast other things
That's not the point

The point is--Im' sure that's not my gift

I'm sure that there's a ring
Or a necklace
Or a gift certificate
Or a puppy
Or SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT TOASTER OVEN
Waiting for me at the back of our closet

I'm sure that you're going to pull it out
And give it to me
Laughing at how silly I am
To believe that you'd actually be so insensitive
As to get me, your wife, something like this, for Christmas

I'm sure this is all a joke
And that before your mother gets here
To let me know that I, once again, undercooked the ham
You will give me some reason
To prevent me from pulling this tree down on top of you
And going to movies

Well, Marcus, do you have one?

Do you have a reason that I shouldn't--

What do you mean open it?

I KNOW WHAT A TOASTER OVEN LOOKS LIKE!

What?

Oh...

. . . . .

Oh Marcus, it's beautiful

Sweetie, I'm so sorry

I can't believe I said all that

Of course, it's what I wanted
Who wouldn't want such a gorgeous gift

I love you, Marcus
Merry Christmas

Now, let's talk about my birthday