You've Always Been a Little Weird

Caley, you've always been a little weird
And there's nothing wrong with that

The world needs weird people

Somebody weird invented penicillin
And where would we be without him?

Bunch of people walking around
Looking like pencils if not for him

Now you keep that in mind
Before you go doing something stupid
Like drinking poison
Or locking yourself up in a microwave

Hmm?

Well, how am I supposed to know
What you're thinking of doing?

You sure look like you wanted to kill yourself to me
I mean, you're depressed, aren't you?

You KNOW things'll get better?

Well, what's the sense in being depressed
If you KNOW things'll get better?

And honey, just so you know
Things do NOT get better

It only gets better when you win the lottery
And that only happens to your Aunt Shirley

Woman's won the damn thing six times
I wish lightning would just hit her already
So I won't have to see her face on the news anymore

Hmm?

Now why are you laughing?

Honestly, Caley
You are the worst sad person I have ever met

Why did you bother come here
Looking for me to cheer you up
If you're just going to do it yourself?

And to think I wasted a Hostess cupcake on you

You have always been the weird one
No wonder that guy left you

You left him?!?!

Caley, honey
You don't leave men!

Why the mere thought of it
Is like trying to imagine what living in New England must be like

You left him
And now you're sad

Well, honey
If I were you, I'd be more than sad

I'd be knocking myself on the head
Trying to wake up the squirrel
That has apparently gone sleepin'
Inside my brain!

I must have gone wrong somewhere

I told myself that it's natural

You have three girls
You get a pretty one
A smart one
And a weird one
Just like those crime fighting sluts
That used to be on the tv

But I never heard of the weird one
Leaving a man
And getting a job in New York
So she can become an old spinster
Working as a senior executive something-or-other
At some ma and pop operation called 'Hewlett-Packard'

What is that anyway?
Some sort of mule-renting facility?

Oh you worry, Caley
You really do