Jesus Would Want to Win

Boys, when they asked me to come coach a basketball team
Here at St. Michael's School for Boys
I was anticipating that I would be coaching students
Who were...perhaps...a bit on the...kind side

I had no idea they were sending me to coach little nuns
On the art of winning

Boys, I don't know if any of you have googled me--

Oh stop it, Charles
That's not what I'm talking about
Goddammit, it's like you kids are living in the Stone Age

Oh stop wincing just because I said Goddammit
And stop acting like you don't know there was a Stone Age
There was a Stone Age and then a Bronze Age and then a Silver Age and then Jesus was born, and they all coexist happily, so just relax!

At my last school, I was fired
Because when my team was losing
I instructed them
To go out with a fight

Some of them took that to mean biting
Some of them thought I meant punching
Some just peed on everybody that came near them

It was a glorious day, boys

But it was still a day I LOST

And I'm talking about the game
Not my job

If they wanted a sportsman
They should have hired Arnold Palmer
But he's dead boys
At least, I think he is

Anyway, that's how I wound up here
And if there's one thing I learned from that experience
It's this:

Jesus would want to win

Boys, if there's anything the bible teaches us
It's that Jesus loves to win
And hates losing

What were the Apostles if not a team?
A team of winners

You boys are like those Apostles
You gotta get out there
Lay your hands on the other team
And shove 'em right on the court

Speak in tongues!
That way they'll think you've lost it
And they'll run away from you

And if none of that works
Take your Bibles
And throw 'em at their heads!

God made those books heavy
For a reason, boys

Now you know we pray before each game
And you know the other team prays too
But what you don't know
Is that we're the ones God listens to
Because the other side is actually a team full of Devil worshipers

That's right

I saw 'em slaughter a goat
Right behind the gym
Before the game today

Think about that
When they're dribbling past you
And then act accordingly

Most of all, have fun
Because Jesus loved having fun
Right up until they crucified him

Now go out there
And do him proud