The Toy Palace

Hello, this is the Toy Palace
How can I help you?

Sir, that is not my name
My name is--

Yes, I understand

Well, sir
The rocking horse generally will break
If a fat thirty-five year old man sits on it
While trying to assemble it

Well, sir
What would possess you to think
That sitting on a toy rocking horse
Meant for a four year old would be a good idea?

Well, sir
I can't give you a refund

No, not because the toy is broken
But because you're a moron

Merry Christmas

Hello, this is the Toy Palace
How can I help you?

Yes, ma'am
It does come with those accessories

Your daughter did what?

I see

Well, ma'am
If she's dumb enough to try swallowing
Barbie's Dream Car
Then that might not be our fault
It might just be evolution at work

Well, ma'am
It's not like the Dream Car looks like food
It looks like a car
Does she ever try to swallowing your minivan?

Well, ma'am
The Dream Car is pretty big
If she can fit the whole thing in her mouth
You might want to call the Guiness Book of World Records
Because I, personally, would love to see that

No, ma'am
I can't give you a refund
But I can suggest that you have another, smarter child
In the event that this one grows up to be a complete moron
Which seems very likely

Merry Christmas

Hello, this is the Toy Palace
How can I help you?

No, sir
We do not have any Marvelous Mike action figures in stock

Because, sir
We live in a country full of materialists
Who will pay thirty dollars
To buy an action figure for their children
That will break about a month after they buy it
Just so they can feel like they haven't failed as parents
When, in fact, they have

As soon as we put Marvelous Mike on the shelf
I saw parents commit acts of violence towards each other
That would have made World War II look like a skirmish between Kindergartners

Limbs were lost, sir
Limbs were lost, hair was lost, and most of all
The innocence of Christmas
Was lost

It was disturbing
But, also
Incredibly entertaining

So no, sir, we do not have anymore Marvelous Mike action figures
Although you're still free to explain to your children
That Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating love and family
And not using Mike's Blasto Gun to destroy Lord Pozar

Oh what am I saying?

The little brat would probably eat you alive

Tell you what

Get him a Justin Jumper action figure instead
It's exactly the same action figure
All you have to do is paint it purple

Plus it's about twenty dollars cheaper

If your kid is as dumb as the girl who tries putting small cars down her esophagus
You should be all set

Merry Christmas, sir

And may God help you

. . . . .

This job gets better every year