The Monkeys Are Upon Us

Put down the gun

Put it down
It's no use

It's worthless now

Now that the monkeys are upon us

I heard them snickering
Just as we entered the clearing

They know they've won
Now they're just waiting

Waiting to burst in on us
And take us as their prisoners

Oh no, Richard
Don't worry
They won't kill us

We're of no use to them dead

No, they'll imprison us
Make us their servants

There's no use fighting it

I spent two years as a monkey prisoner
Back when I was living in the Amazon

One night I woke up in my tent
To feel a gun pushed up against my lower back
And a low guttural voice
Urging me out of the tent
Into the rainforest

If I knew then that the gun
Was actually a freshly picked plantain
I probably would have fought my kidnapper
Who I later grew to know as Chi Chi

He used to make me dance around for him
While he threw moss at me
From the tree we lived in

One time I burnt his risotto
And he didn't even look at me for three days

Oh Richard, the abuse was rarely physical
With Chi Chi, it was all mental

And it wasn't just him

The entire group hated me

Sally hated me because she longed for Chi Chi's love
Not realizing that his interests lie
On the other side of canopy

Bobo hated me because until I showed up
Flashing my innocent little smile
And doing my dance of naivete
He was Bobo's best friend

And then there was Captain Cindi
The monkey with the hard heart
And the mysterious past to go with it

Two years spent amongst that group
And until those National Geographic photographers showed up
I had resigned myself to spending my life with them

Then I heard that glorious voice--

"Here you see what appears to be an especially weak and feminine gorilla dancing around to entertain his mate, while he--Oh my God, is that a man? What the hell is he doing? Jesus, somebody shoot him and put him out of his misery!"

That's when I knew I was going to be all right

Oh, Chi Chi put up a fight
He didn't want to let me go

But they shot him with a tranquilizer dart
And now the only people he gets to give the cold shoulder to
Are third graders on a field trip
To the Cincinnati zoo

I should have stayed away from the rainforest after that
But it calls to you
Like a siren in the night
While you lay in bed
Swearing you can still smell that pungent mixture
Of tree bark and hope

That's why I signed up to do this tour with you, Richard

Oh sure, I know we're only on the safari
At Six Flags New Jersey
And that even if the monkeys take us
They probably won't get past the rollercoaster
Before we're rescued by the teenagers at the refreshment stand
But they're sure to use every second they spend with us
Inflicting their emotional trauma

I'm sorry I convinced you to get out of the car, Richard
I'm even sorrier that you're a life-sized doll
Holding a squirt gun that's been glued to your hand by myself
And not a real person
That would actually be able to understand what I'm saying

Oh well...

I think I hear the footsteps coming closer

Every time I think I'm out
They pull me back in