Robbed, or How to Lose Gracefully

Hello, hello, hello
All of you, hello

Yes, I realize
I have not won this award

But I'm sure the producers will suffer me a few short moments
To comment on this epic victory
By my friend and colleague, Will Stratten

Will, you are truly worthy
Of this wondrous honor

If it had to be determined that my performance in 'Shadows of Desire'
Was less than the performance of another
I'm glad you could be that 'another'

And I have to say, what you did in that brilliant film 'Pasadena Sunrise'
Was truly a lesson in acting

All those pauses

Those long, long, long pauses

Full of...thoughts, I'd imagine

I mean, I can only guess
That you were...thinking

During those long, long, long pauses

Oh, and that scene with your father
Out on the boat

It was so tender
And yet, strong

One would never know that you're a homosexual, Will
Not from watching that scene

All I could think of while watching you tell your father that you got Millie pregnant
Was--Wow, and to think just two months ago I saw him snorting coke off a cardboard cut-out of Liza
In the backroom of Surrender's

Oh, and that sex scene was--my goodness

Was there a doubled used in that scene?

Because I've seen your ass a few times, Will
And I have to say
I remember it...drooping...a tad more

Ah, but sex scenes aren't why you win awards
You win awards for playing a man trying to grapple with his past
Trying to come to terms with the fact
That he was molested in a labor camp in Uzbekistan
And sold into white slavery only to rise again
As an international pop star

Now who did a movie like that this year...Hmm...

Oh right, me!

I completely forgot

But I suppose all of that doesn't compare
To a movie about a guy who goes fishing with his father
And has sex with his girlfriend

...And goes fishing with his father

...And has sex with his girlfriend

...For three hours

I bet you wish there was a little more fishing
And a little less sex with the girlfriend, huh, Will?

I'm sure the long, long, long pauses didn't help the movie's run time either

But that's neither here nor there

All that matters is that you won

You won and I'm happy for you

Some in my position would throw around the word 'robbed'
But not me

Noooooo not me

I believe in losing gracefully

So here I am
Graceful

And grateful

That I can still call myself an actor

Whereas some people...may not...be able to...

Thank you all
And goodnight