Christmas with Carlotta

Merry Christmas, Carlotta
Or as I'm told you like to say--

'Felix NaDavid'

Sweetheart, would you mind refilling my drink

A little less egg, a little more nog, if you would

Don't be stingy, Carlotta
It's my nog, after all

Mr. Crandall is at the office again
He'll be there for the remainder of Christmas Eve
And probably most of Christmas as well

I'm having his present UPSed to him tomorrow morning

Divorce papers

Merry Christmas, Charles

That means by this time tomorrow, I'll be a free woman

But don't worry, Carlotta, I'm going to ask for you in the divorce

Private jets are a dime a dozen
But a good maid is hard to find

I believe Dr. Seuss said that

Ah, that's why I love you, Carlotta
You never correct me

You just do that thing
Where your nose scrunches up
And you whisper a curse word under your breath

Even your rage is adorable

You're like the daughter I never had
Not counting the five I actually do have

I can't wait for them to show up here tomorrow
With their screaming, wretched little children

They only come to visit me once every year
Expecting me to dole out IPads and cards filled with money

I had the gardener rig a bucket of pork fat over the door

They're going to take their father's side in the divorce anyway
So I might as well go out with a bang

It'll be just you and me, Carlotta
You're my only family now

And since you hate me and I pay for your loyalty
You're really no different than my old family

What's that?

You were hiding something from me?

Carlotta, how could you?

I expected you to steal my silverware
But to hide things in my drawers?!?!

Oh...

It's a present.

You got me a present.

A new hat.

That's...

Thank you, Carlotta

I'm...touched.

You know, I think sometimes we use Christmas to celebrate the people we never see
Instead of appreciating the people we're lucky enough to see all the time

I'm glad I have you in my life, Carlotta

Oh, and I have a gift for you too

Do you know what an inheritance is?

Well, don't worry, my dear
You will

Now go be a darling
And make sure the pork fat is rigged correctly

I want to make sure it's going to be a memorable Christmas