Closing Night Statistics

Tonight we close
And I've kissed Jill Saggen
Nine times

One time she looked at me funny before the kiss
And so I started laughing
And I laughed into her mouth
Which was a very strange experience for me
Perhaps moreso for her

All the same, she was lovely to kiss
And my boyfriend agreed that we both make
A very nice couple

I've gotten Chinese food from the place across the street
Thirty-seven times over the course of rehearsing and performing this play

They now know me by name
Well, sort of
They call me Mr. Ralter

Mr. Ralter, you are truly good actor.

They didn't come to the show
But perhaps they like my posture
And my diction
And take that to mean
That I am amazing onstage

They're not aware that in this play
I'm portraying a hunchback with a lisp
So my posture and diction
Aren't really of much use to me

It's amazing that I get the girl at the end of the show
Unfortunately the audience doesn't seem to buy it
Which might be why we're closing after nine performances

I have called my director an asshole four times
Three times behind his back, and one time, inadvertently, to his face

He informed me that he may be an asshole
But I am a lousy hunchback
And then we both laughed

I've made twelve new friends as a result of this show
Including the assistant stage manager who always has a snickers bar for me when I show up at the theater
And the playwright himself who told me I'm exactly what he imagined when he wrote the play

I realize he's talking about a lisping hunchback
But I was still mostly flattered

I've done the ten second costume change correctly a total of two times
And all the rest of the time I came out onstage looking like an angry mob threw clothing onto me
Luckily, when you're playing a hunchback, an audience's expectations for your appearance are rather low

I've forgotten only one line during a performance
And I didn't even really forget it
I just...adapted it a bit

Instead of saying, 'You could never know the depths of my despair' I said 'You could never know the depths of the stairs.'

I reasoned with myself that my character does live in a very tall building
Thankfully, the playwright wasn't there that night

I have complained about this show and this role and some of these people
A total of one hundred and fifty-four times

When I heard we were closing, I ran into the bathroom
And started dancing on top of the toilet

So thrilled that I wouldn't have to spend another three hours
Humping myself--Yes, 'humping' myself

But then I got onstage
And I started listening--really listening
And looking at everyone around me, my cast
These people I've spent over a month getting to know
And getting drunk with
And eating Chinese food with
And complaining with and...

And I missed it
I missed it right before it was over
Which was lucky, I guess

And I started counting last times in my head

This is the last time I'll get to say that line I really love
This is the last time I'll get to do the sword fight
This is the last time I'll get to sing Aretha Franklin with Jill in the dressing room

And when it was over, I started counting other things

I gathered together all my closing night statistics

All the fumbling and fighting
Conversing and collaborating
Screaming and dancing

But as far as laughing...

As far as how much laughing has been done
Throughout this entire process
Well...

What can I say?

I lost count