Green Sneakers

My Mom got me green sneakers
Which is awesome
Which is so cool
Which is Mommmmmmmmmmm you're soooooooo cooooooooool!!!

I'm not even mad
That she made me clean my room yesterday
And I said I'd never forgive her
But I had no idea that she was going to get me green sneakers

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

What is wrong with the world
When you can walk around in green sneakers?

NOTHING!

I called all my friends to tell them
About my green sneakers
And they all agreed that they're jealous

They talked about it and they're really jealous
But they're happy for me
And that's how come I know they're my friends

MOOOMMMM!!! MY FRIENDS HATE ME!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

And the cool thing is, like, the coolest thing is
That my Mom lost her job
And she said to me--

Chris, Santa might not bring you that much this year for Christmas
Because, um--

And then she just looked sad
And started crying
And I said, Mom, it's totally cool
I don't want a ton of presents
As long as Santa brings me a laptop
I'll be totally happy

And she laughed, and then I felt good
'Cause I made her laugh

And I didn't get my laptop
But that's okay
Because laptops are for kids
Whose moms don't buy them green sneakers

And my mom did and that's why she's awesome
And she said I can wear them to school
Which means Jeanine Schlink will totally want me to be her boyfriend
Because I'm going to tie my shoes in front of her and say--

Ohhh, did you notice my...green sneakers?

And she will pass out from loving me too much
And then we'll get enraged
And have a wedding
Where Mom will be happy again
And not care that she doesn't have a stupid job
Because Jeanine's dad will pay for the wedding
Because she says her family is old money
Which is like money that's been around forever
So it's worth way more

MOM!!! I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! HER NAME IS JEANINE AND SHE HAS PRETTY HAIR!!! YOU'LL LOVE HER!!!

I'll even borrow some of that old money from Jeanine
Because she'll be my wife and have to give it to me
Because we'll share everything
Except all the stuff that's mine

And I'll take that money
And buy my mom green sneakers for Christmas
So she can feel cool again

That'll be awesome