Jean Shorts, Cat Person

Well, you know, Sandy
I talked to Scoops
And he's--

Well, he's actually sitting right here with me
And I think he wants to say something to you
About scratching you when you came over last week

Scoops?

. . . . .

Did you hear that?

He meowed

That's how you know he's sorry

Oh, Sandy
He's been torturing himself over it

He can't even look at himself
When he walks by the little mirror I bought for him

Hmm?

Ohhh, I'm just sitting at home with him tonight

Tuesdays are our bonding night

We play checkers and I make him a casserole

What?

Ohhh, I couldn't

He'd be so upset if I disrupted our routine

Plus I'm just sitting here in my jean shorts

No, I wasn't gardening

I actually just went to visit my stock broker

Apparently I had another good day at the metaphorical market

Oh Sandy, I can never sort out what he's saying

Yakkitty yakkitty portfolio yakkitty yakkitty billionaire by the time you're sixty yakkitty yakkitty why do you smell like haddock?

It's always the same thing

Hang on a sec, Sandy

Scoops, we're not ready for checkers yet
Wait until it's six o'clock
And don't eat any more of the pieces
I don't like spending my whole night looking at your behind
Waiting for a refund

He's getting older, Sandy
And it's breaking my heart

That's why he scratched you
It's the dementia settling in
Remember when it happened to Scoops #1?

Towards the end
He wouldn't even let me
Put him in his parka anymore

You hate to see them get like that

My stock broker keeps telling me I should buy an iguana
Or something that lives longer than I do
Since I always seem to have such trouble
When the cats die

But I tell him if I wanted a cold-blooded monster
With an abnormally long tongue hanging around
I would have kept my first husband

Hahaha--Okay, time to go

I have to put the casserole in the oven
And set up the checkers game

I hope that scratch wound starts to clear up pretty soon
But if it doesn't, I would suggest going to see a doctor

Scoops has been helping me clean the bathroom lately
And I can only imagine the germs that have been clinging to his little claws

Have a nice night, Sandy!

Scoops! Come say goodnight to Aunt Sandy!

Sandy? Hello?

Hello?

It's all right, Scoops
We'll call her before bedtime

Now, do you want to be black or red?