The Christmas Nazi

My mother is a Christmas Nazi

Every year, as soon as Halloween is over
She starts demanding that my father put up the lights

'Roger, I will not have our house drenched in darkness on the day of eternal light'

She completely skips over Thanksgiving

In my mother's mind, Thanksgiving is merely a minor speed bump
On the road to holiday bliss

'Bertram,' she'll say to me, 'What is the POINT of a holiday you can't decorate for?'
'We could put up turkey decorations, Mom.'
'Hahaha, that's not funny. We're not degenerate farm people, Bertram. We're civilized human beings who enjoy celebrating Christmas with tasteful decorations. Now help me hang this mistletoe in front of your grandmother's portrait. That woman used to suck Christmas spirit out of a room like a vacuum cleaner.'

By the time my mother is done decorating our house
It looks like Mrs. Santa Clause went on a mad shopping spree
Through the North Pole Ikea

Our living room is covered with fake snow that I'm convinced is actually just asbestos mixed with cotton balls
Our kitchen smells like burnt gingerbread for an entire month
And on the ceilings above each of our beds
She hangs flying reindeer

That might explain why every year in December
I have nightmares that Rudolph is stomping on my face

And then there's the tree

'Bertram, tell your father to take that tree back. It's simply not tall enough.'
'Mother, it's seventeen feet tall. The tree at the White House is smaller than our tree.'
'Well, I can't fit all my ornaments on it.'
'That's because you have forty-seven boxes of them!'
'That's forty-seven boxes of Christmas cheer and merriment, Bertram. I don't care if we have to cut a hole in the ceiling and move your sister into the garage, we are going to have a respectable tree. Now, go with your father to get a taller tree, and this time, haggle with them on the price. Don't let that filthy tree monger rake you over the coals again. And don't forget to wish him a Merry Christmas!'

My mother once overheard my father and I call her the Christmas Nazi while we were putting together the life-sized manger scene out on the front lawn

'A Nazi,' she said, at which point I tried hiding behind life-sized Frosty the Snowman, who for some reason in my mother's mind, was present at Jesus' birth

'If being a Christmas Nazi means spreading love and happiness throughout your community and wanting your family to experience the joy that only comes once a year, then yes, I suppose I AM a Christmas Nazi. Now, put this little red hat on the Baby Jesus. He's looking a little bland, and I won't have him ruining the entire aesthetic. Back to work, boys!'

She's right, you know
Christmas does only come once a year

And sometimes
That's the best thing about it