Power Walking with Amy

The last thing I said to him was
You better get your act together

Take a right at the mailbox
I don't want to walk by the Gregson's house
They keep asking me to go in their pool
And I find that strange

Don't you find that strange?

Why would I want to swim in front of other people?
Swimming is a very intimate activity

Push, Delia, push
It isn't called strolling
It's called power walking

You're not even on your second sweat

The first sweat doesn't count, Delia
That's just a preliminary sweat
That's just the appetizer sweat
You have to get to the main course
That's the good stuff

So I told him he needed to get his act--

Let's get onto the sidewalk
It seems like every near-sighted speed demon teenager
Got their license this month

I resent the fact that I have to actually use the sidewalks

This is a neighborhood
Sidewalks should just be for show
They should not be necessary

Anyway, I told him he needed to get his act together

Delia, I am on my second divorce
And this man is trying to make a case
For being husband number three
Yet he's more of a disaster than either
Of my first two husbands

I don't even know why I bother returning his calls

Pick up speed here

The Hennerson's have a giant living room window
And they see me walking by
They'll ask me to baby-sit their bird again

Who knew birds even needed baby-sitting?

This is why I don't have pets

I resent having to care about anything
Being obligated to care, I mean
It just seems--

Do not slow down!

You are not taking a break

We've only done seventeen blocks
And I don't break
On odd numbers

You'll have to wait for block twenty
That's an even number
And we round up to it
So that's when we'll break

You know, I like having you along, Delia
Even when you act like you are now

Without you to talk to I'd have my headphones on

I don't listen to music
I just listen to a tape I made of my own voice
Berating myself
So that I'll keep going

Nothing is scarier to me
Than the sound of my own voice, Delia

Nothing

I admit I like him
I do, I like him very much
But if anything
That's the surest sign
That he's all wrong for me

I need to find a man I don't like
Odds are that'll be the one I can keep

I can't afford a mortgage on my own
I can't go grocery shopping without spending too much money
And if I don't have sex at least once a week
I start eating small children
And blowing up mailboxes

Speaking of mailboxes, get a load of that one

Why would anyone want to retrieve their mail
From a duck's ass?

We need to do this more often, Delia
By rights, we should do it every day

It's good for us

And if you think about it
We really don't do enough
That's good for us

I date the wrong men
You eat the wrong things
We're friends with each other
And there has to be something wrong with that

All that life asks of us
To keep things in check
Is a simple walk

That's all

So we walk

And to keep us ahead of the game
We put a little oomph behind it

Ahhh there you go, Delia
There's that big meaty entree sweat

That's what I've been waiting for

I Liked You So Much More When I Didn't Know You

I like you so much more
When I didn't know you

When you were a name mentioned by friends
A picture I could look at
That didn't talk
That didn't converse
Or attempt to converse

That didn't run away with logic
And refuse to give it back

I liked it when I thought your voice
Would be be deep and slow

I imagined you putting on your words
Like bracelets

I thought we'd talk about ice hockey
And Muppets

I thought you'd love Muppets

Who doesn't love Muppets?

You don't love Muppets

You might be evil

I liked you when you were a concept
Like trigonometry
Or cooking risotto while stoned

You seemed like such a good idea at the time

I liked you when you were a piece of notebook paper
That I could write my dreams on

Then when someone passed me you in class
All folded up like a sweater
Covered in blue and red ink hearts

I unfolded you
I read you
I passed you back

I should have left you on my desk
Untouched, unfettered by my expectations
Your little hearts smiling at me
And me
Smiling back

Not knowing anything
Never knowing
I could never be
That happy again

I Was in the House When the House Burned Down

Did you think I was somewhere else
When the shit hit the fan?

Did you not see me here
Wading in it
Watching it
Waiting for it to go

Waiting for you to do something about it

Finally rolling up my sleeves
And rolling down my upbringing
Picking up a shovel
And saying 'Let's get this cleaned up'

I may have showed up a princess
But I'm standing here a pissed off princess
With her tiara stuck somewhere in the mud

Now you can say this was all you
This was all in your head
In your dreams
In your little bag of problems
That you conveniently keep in the cupboard
That I'm not supposed to know about
Or I'm supposed to ignore

But what you've been ignoring
Is that I haven't been ignoring shit

I am up to it
I am UP to IT
To HERE

So don't talk to me
Like I get to live behind a glass wall
While you strike a match
Up against the curtains

Like I'll be safe
No matter what you do

Like I'm immune to you
And your actions
And your bullshit
And your lies
And your fire

Don't tell me I didn't get burned

And don't tell me
I don't know what's going on in my house
Because, sweetheart
There is no more house

I was in the motherfucker
When the house burned down

Now get a shovel
We have ashes to bury

The Death of Winter

Winter died
On the first day of April
Two months before
He was ready to go

The left side of his face
Kissed the Fourth of July
And the right side
Felt leaves falling against it

He remembered a time on an island
When the Summer showed up
To bring him into the water
And make love to him
While lying in a hammock

It had been years since he chased her
Across snow-covered landscapes
And rain-washed streets

He favored her sort of rain

Warm
Refreshing
Cleansing

He thought to himself
That he'd like to see her again
Before his last thaw

But she would not arrive
Until he was gone

That was the agreement

He brought himself to a small home
Where the windows had small cracks
That allowed him to walk in
Even though there was a fireplace
And an oven fired up for dinner

He went into the bedroom of the smallest son
Who was sick with a cold
That would take him out of school
For one day and one day only

The little boy was resting soup on his stomach
Slowly guzzling it down to make it last
While watching a rerun of a show
In black and white

The winter looked around the room
For he knew his time was short
And on a shelf he saw
Exactly what he was looking for

When the boy's mother came
To take his bowl
And make sure he was getting enough rest
She found him holding the snow globe
She'd bought him
When she was in Paris

Inside the globe was a young woman
Dancing with a young man
On a street in Paris
That had previously been freshly washed
With summer rain

But was now
Covered
In snow

'Well,' said the boy's mother, 'How did that happen?'

But the little boy just turned the snow globe upside down
Then right side up
And watched the young man and woman
Dance around
In the falling snow

And he thought to himself

They don't look cold
Isn't that funny?

They look warm
And happy

I Knew the Accent Was Fake

I knew the accent was fake

I knew the mustache was fake

I knew the language he claimed to speak was not French

But merely a bastardization

Of Pig Latin and Klingon

He didn't really know how to dance

He made love like an overeager sailor

He broke my heart

And kept going

I was almost impressed

I didn't know that was possible

I knew that when he said 'roommate' he meant 'mother'

I knew that when he said 'love' he meant 'like'

I knew that when he said 'beautiful' he meant 'you'll do for now'

I knew he was a liar

I knew he was a bad liar

I knew he wasn't bad enough

To get me to leave

I knew he'd never actually finished the book he said was his favorite

Or watched the movies he claimed to love

And I knew that he hated my grandmother when he met her

Because we all hate my grandmother

And the test of whether or not a person has merit

Is whether or not they have the balls to admit

That she's a horrible old shrew

I knew he hated her

But he smiled at her

And let her slap him several times

Claiming he reminded her of someone

Who attacked her once

I said--'She was never attacked.  She just really likes slapping people.'

I knew he'd burp--a lot

I knew he'd forget our anniversary--more than once

I knew he'd never be a good dad--and that really killed me

I knew a lot

But what I didn't know?

What I didn't know

Should be what you call this

This, this thing you're writing

Don't worry about what I knew

What you know never does you in

It's that one thing that escaped you

That one thing you forgot

That you forgot to look for

Something you never even thought of

That's what always gets you

That's what always

Brings you down

I'd Like to Announce That I Have a Hot Boyfriend

Attention everyone!

Please stop eating your lunches

Most of you should skip a meal or two anyway

We have junior prom next week
And the tailor in town is already overbooked
Letting out the seams
To half of your dresses
So put down the cheeseburger
And listen up

I, Brenna, would like to announce
That I have a hot boyfriend

I'm sure you've all met Solicito
The Italian exchange student

For those of you who haven't
He's the Adonis sitting next to me
Nodding a lot

Yes, that's right, Solicito
We're going to get you an American Happy meal
Right afterschool

He's so precious!

I know what you're thinking

You're thinking--
'Brenna, you're just dating him because he's hot'

Well, you're absolutely right

I'm sixteen

What's the point in dating someone for their personality?

I'll have time for that
When I'm old
And twice-divorced
Desperate for anybody who will have me

Why worry about it now?

If I want personality
I'll call one of my twelve gay friends
And my fat friend Lindy
And have a regular Personality Festival
Over at my house

But when it comes to who I date
I want some eye candy

What's the point of dating anybody
If you're not making everybody jealous, right?

Solicito, stop licking your palm!

I don't know if they do that in Palermo
But here in America
We only lick stamps!

Stampo!  El Stampo!

Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have dropped Italian
For Interior Design

Oh sure, I can tell you what style of couch qualifies as Modern Rustic
But now I can't talk to my boyfriend!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know
That Solicito and I are currently open
For any social functions
Including after prom parties

Just please be sure you have bottled water for me
And penne for him

And please keep the photographing to a minimum

We feel very strongly about our privacy

You can read all about our other beliefs on our blog--

TheHottestCoupleinSchool.blogspot.com

Enjoy the rest of your lunch

C'mon, Solicito
We're going to go make out
In whatever hallway has the most students in it

Stop poking yourself in the eye!

I realize you're from a third world country
But fight to be as cool as you look

Ugh, love can be so difficult

What?

What do you mean you're not from Italy?

Isn't Palermo in--

Palermo, MONTANA?

Uh...

ATTENTION EVERYONE!

BREAKING NEWS!

The End of Something That Could Have Been

Let me give you the title first

The end of something that could have been

Now let me give you the who

You

You're the who

You're who I should be with
By the end of this monologue

But I won't

By the end of this monologue
Nothing will have changed

I will be in a living room
And you will be
In bed
I'm assuming
Because it's 1am on a Wednesday
Wait, sorry
Thursday

But you're the who

Title?

The end of something that could have been

Good, right?

Good title

And it's not mine

But it's still a damn good title

The when is not now
It is not 1am on a Thursday

I'm going to use another when

A when when we were together
In a car, on a quiet street
On a Friday night
In your car
Cracking each other up
And sobering up
And trying to make that decision
That key decision
About whether or not
We would do one thing and be friends
And do something else and be more

I'm not sure what I could have done
To help sway the decision
The way I wanted it to go

A part of me feels like I didn't do anything
And so I'm here
In a living room
Not your living room
But a living room
At 1am on a Wednesday
Nowhere near you at all

That's the where

The how could be a lot of things

How could I let that moment slip by
How could I not try to fix it now
How could I prevent myself from getting in a car every night
And driving to your door
Laying myself down on your front steps
And commit to staying there
Until you agree to stop walking over me
And notice that I'm here
And I'm crazy
And we'd work

We would work

And the what?

What am I doing writing a monologue
Hoping you'll see it
And say 'That's about me?'

What am I doing reliving
Instead of living?

What's going to happen five years from now
And why can't it happen tomorrow?

What am I doing?
What am I doing?
What am I doing?

Well, it was a good title

It was a damn good title