A Good Burger

There ain't many things in life
That a good burger can't cure

And I'm going to tell you something
About that girl
And about Tyler
And about that girl being pregnant
And I want you to listen to me
Because I'm your dad
And that means I've done everything stupid that you're gonna do
And my job is to prevent you from doing it

I will fail
And you will fail with Tyler
And he will fail with that little boy or girl
That his girlfriend is pregnant with
Now do you understand that?

Course you don't
Because life is cyclical
Meaning we can't never catch a hold of it
And that's what either makes you love it
Or makes you jump off a bridge

I'd encourage you to love it

Now, when that wife of yours got pregnant with Tyler
I was just as upset as could be
Because I thought it was going to ruin your life
And my daddy, your granddaddy
Took me out for a good burger
At Chop's, which isn't even a place anymore
Just a Starbucks

He sat me down and asked me
If that wife of yours
Who was then your girlfriend
Was planning on keeping the baby
And I said, 'Yes, sir, she is.'

I called my Daddy sir
So don't ever let me catch you calling me sir
Because callin' him sir made him feel like my drill sergeant
More than my father
Which, in all truth, he was
But that's frosting for another cake

I said, 'Sir, she's going to have that baby, and ruin my son's life.'

And my Daddy said--

'Well, that ain't none of your damn business.  Your business is to love your son and love that baby and love that baby's mother, because all those people are family, whether you like it or not.'

Then the burger came
And it was real good
And I don't know if it was the advice
Or the way the juice from the burger dripped into the french fries
Making 'em taste like God was back there at the deep fryer
But somehow I got my shit together
Went home
And started getting used to the idea
Of being a granddaddy myself

Now I'm not saying you gotta be me
Or do what I done
Or love the situation
But you do have to love the people in it

Because the world doesn't need anymore judges in it
It needs more grandfathers
Like the one you had

And a few more burger joints couldn't hurt either

So you take a minute
And you eat your fries
And you do some thinking

Then when you get home
You give your son a hug

Then you call up my house
And tell your mother
She's going to be a great-grandmother
Before she turns sixty-five

Because I sure as hell ain't doing it

I'd rather just stay here
And enjoy my burger

A Different Sort of Prayer

In a small town in Italy
There is a statue
Where people go to pray

She is there now
At the statue
With a picture of her daughter
And a note

She places the photo down
And kneels
While people either walk past her
Or kneel down as well

It would have been their honeymoon today
And they would have gone to Italy
But not to some statue
To pray

Their daughter is getting married
In eight weeks
And she has to plan the whole thing

They haven't determined the procedure
For a father-less wedding

She supposes that she'll be the one
Walking Meredith down the aisle

She'll make the toasts
And the arrangements
And the payments

And the father-daughter dance
Will be left out of the program
And everybody will notice

She was angry when she left
As she had been for awhile
And Mer only asked one thing from her

Please do not come back angry

She does not want her mother to be angry
On the happiest day of her life

It seemed like a fair request

So she went to the little town
And found the pretty statue
And knelt down
With a note
And a picture
And a prayer

The picture is of Meredith
And her father
On her fifteenth birthday
When the entire family
Attempted to find the Grand Canyon
And instead wound up at Rich's Rattler Farm

She took the photo of her daughter and husband
In front of Bobby the Boa Constrictor
The Farm's poisonous cartoon mascot

On the note was the following sentence:

'A man should be there for his daughter's wedding.'

The prayer was simple

'Show me how to do this.'

When she was done praying
She stood up
And started walking
Back to where she'd asked the cab
To wait for her

On the way there
She passed a funeral procession
Coming out of a church
And it seemed fitting
And cruel
At the same time

She noticed a long line of mourners
All holding each other
And crying out
At different points
Like a chorus of tears

There was a picture of a man
Held by a little old woman

He looked like he was Peter's age
And she assumed the little old lady was his mother
But she couldn't seem to find the wife
Among the mourners

At the back of the line
Was a young woman
Barely walking
Slowly becoming separated
From the rest of her family

That was when she spotted a woman her age
Step apart from the pack
And go to the young woman

The woman her age tenderly put her arm
Around the young woman's waist
And the resemblance between them
Was clear enough
That she knew she was looking at a mother and a daughter

The mother, and presumably the widow
Supported her daughter
In a way that was not rushing her
While at the same time
Allowing her to walk
And catch up to the rest of the family

All the while whispering something in her ear
That made the young woman stop crying
And even begin to smile a little bit

After the procession had turned a corner
And were out of sight
She looked back at the statue
Where she had left her picture
Left her note, and said her prayer

Then she looked up
At the sound of a dove flying towards the roof
Of the church

It almost looked like the dove
Was trying to fly directly into the sun

And she closed her eyes
And said a different
Sort of prayer

You're Too Smart to Date Me

Look, before this goes any further
I have to tell you
I really don't see any future here

No, it's not that
You seem like a very nice person
It's just that
You're much too smart to date me

I don't really go for the whole 'intelligence' thing

I mean, you keep talking about books you've read
And ideas you have
And you're really forcing me to think about things I believe
And it's just a complete turn-off

I tend to go for someone
Who stares at me with a blank expression
Every second we're together

Someone who's walked into poles
Or parked cars
Or mailboxes
Or other easily avoidable objects

Someone who not only says stupid things
But gets them tattooed on their bodies

Someone like that

I don't want someone who thinks
Or talks eloquently
Or feels passionately about something

I just want someone really hot
That agrees with everything I say
And who never really likes me
Quite as much as I like them

That's my idea of a soulmate

So I'm just going to leave some money for the check
And head out

Good luck competing on Jeopardy this week
I'd say I'll watch
But I'll probably be at some bar
Trying to find someone
Who can't figure out how to use a straw

Sorry, but you know--

The heart wants what it wants

The Kids Are Behaving

Charles?

Charles, it's me

Don't talk too loudly
I don't want the kids to hear you

Charles, today was something else
It was something else, Charles

I'm not sure what to do

This is...this is bad, Charles

Brace yourself

The kids...are behaving

I know, I know
But it's true
They've been on their best behavior
I don't know what to do

Charles Jr. cleaned his room
Meghan did the dishes
Persia took out the trash
Liam asked me how my day was
And Katie didn't try to maim or injure
Any of the other four

Something is seriously wrong, Charles

They must be plotting something

All this good behavior
Is just a way to lull me
Into a false sense of security
Before they strike

And then what?

I can take them
One-on-one, Charles
But as a unit
They're unstoppable

Remember when they formed a coalition
To terrorize the Toomey twins last year?

I hear they're still being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder

You have to come home, Charles

No, not just today
I mean, permanently
Quit your job

Who cares about paying the bills
If your wife becomes a prisoner of war?

Charles, you have many strengths
But negotiating with our children
Is not one of them

Remember when I sent you to the store with Persia
To buy her new shoes
And she came back with a new bike
And Barbie's Newport Mansion?

If I'm taken hostage by them
You'll never see me again

Right now they're all in Liam's room
'Playing together'

Do NOT accuse me of being paranoid, Charles

Those children do not play together
Unless sharp objects are involved

I haven't heard one scream
Come from Liam's room
In over an hour

That means they're up to something

They're probably going to imprison me
In Katie's Fairy Clubhouse
Until we agree
To let them go see
'Fires of Hell IV:  Fire This Bitch Up'

Charles...

Charles, I just looked
And Liam's door is open
But they're not in the bedroom

I hear footsteps in the living room


Charles, they're coming for me
You need to get home right--


Charles?


Charles?


Oh...hi kids


Look at all of you getting along so well


I think maybe we should go out for ice cream
To reward you
Once Daddy gets--


Uh...Meghan...

Where did you get that rope?

Robin Comes Out

So wait...

You're not?

Ooookay

Um, this is really awkward

Are you...I mean...not to be, but...are you...sure?

Because, everybody kind of thinks...

I mean...your costume is...

I mean, I like it, but that's, you know, me...

Um, didn't you have a thing with the Joker?

No, I know you two fight a lot, but I thought it was kind of a...thing?

All right, don't freak out

It's not like I'm the only one who's been saying it

Me and the Riddler were hanging out last night and--

Yeah, we kind of hang out now, it's weird

I mean, I still hate him and all because of the whole supervillain thing

But part of me feels like it's kinda hot, you know?

Like, all those question marks?

I love a guy with some mystery

That's why I like you--uh, I mean--I...

Okay, fine, I like you

There, I said it

Are you sure you're not into me at all?

I don't mean to sound forward, but I am an acrobat

If you're not into me, why do you make me wear this costume?

And why do you call me Boy Wonder?

You're telling me that's not a sex thing?

Oh my God, the Riddler was totally right
You're a total closet case

Um, you have a lair

An underground lair

Clearly, you're not dealing with some issues

Uh, Superman doesn't have a lair
He has sex with his boyfriends in the Fortress of Solitude
Like a normal person

How do I know what?

About Super--oh, um...funny story...

Ugh, fine, you know what?

It's not a big deal

I'm gay
You're not
And we have a professional relationship
That works pretty well
So let's just move on, okay?

Oh, by the way
Batgirl wants to know
If you still have her shoes

Hey, don't kill the messenger

Don't Blame the Dog

Wilson, do not go blaming my dog
For that mess on the carpet

There is a baby sitting right there
With a guilty look on its face

So let's not jump to any assumptions, all right?

My dog has not piddled on a carpet
Since he was a puppy
And even then
He had the sense
To wait
Until I put a library book underneath him

That baby, and I say this with the utmost respect
That baby does not look all too swift to me

Yes, I can see that the baby's pants aren't wet
But that doesn't prove nothin'

Babies are crafty

That baby probably peed out of the side of its diaper
Like the octopi do

I know how babies work

Now if you'd like to get that pee analyzed by a lab
I would be happy to split the costs
Until we find out if that is lovely dog pee
Or dirty baby pee

But I'm tellin' you right now
That I am very good
At spotting the difference
Between the two
And that pee looks is puddling up in such a way
That I doubt my sweet little pup had anything to do with it

And look at how much there is of it!

That puddle is bigger than my Chachi

Chachi is the dog's name, Wilson!
What the hell were you looking at me like that for?

I am taking my dog
And I am going home
And I suggest you go out back
And ask those drunks
Which one of them
Left their spouting baby
Out on your carpet

I'll try not to be offended by this little incident
But if you don't get an invite to Chachi's birthday's party this year
Don't act like you're surprised

My Sister's Name

I put my sister's name
On Tally's Bridge

It's written all along the side of it
In big pink letters

And if they scrape it off
Or paint over it
I'll go back
And write it all again

My buddies had to hang me by my legs
And I could see how deep the water went
But I still did it
Just to see her name that high

I've been writing it on highways
And billboards
And road signs
And random walls

I even wrote it on the sidewalk
That runs along Dale Ave

It's not about defacing public property
I think everything looks better
With her name on it

I want people to see it
So they remember

I guess maybe I'll get used to her being gone

I won't get over it
But I'll get used to it

But I wouldn't get used to somebody
Asking me who she was

So I wrote her name everywhere I could
That way when people see it
They'll remember who she was
Or they'll ask who she was
And it'll keep her going, you know

I think of it like a balloon in the air

You just gotta keep an eye on it
And make sure it doesn't hit the ground

People come and go, you know
But a bridge and a road and a sidewalk

All that's there forever

That's how she should be

Eveywhere, forever