Overheard at the Audition

Next!

Hi, what are you auditioning with?

'What I Did For Love?'

Is it a song about breast implants
Because that's what I think you did for love
Or work
Or both

Bye

Next!

'Send in the Clowns?'

Send in somebody else.  Bye.

'Not a Day Goes By?'

More like 'All the Gays Go "Bye"'

'Cause you're going--Bye.

Next!

'Circle of Life?'

You look like a panda bear
They don't have those in Africa
Bye

Next!

'With One Look?'

Love the show
Not the song
Why don't you sing--

'As If We Never Said Good--'

Bye

Next!

'If I Were a Rich Man?'

I wouldn't be sitting here
I'll tell you that much

Did you bring a fiddle?

Did you bring a roof?

Did you bring me a quesadilla?
I'm starving

Do you want this role or not?

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Lulla

Lulla who?

Lulla--Bye.

Next!

You worked at the Fresno Musical Tent?

That sounds like a place where they neuter kittens

What are you singing for us?

'Getting to Know You?'

I'd rather not

Bye

Next!

You look like a ham sandwich

Bye

Next!

Wait!

What were you going to sing?

'You're the Top?'

Top of the what?
Ham sandwich?

Bye!

Next!

'My Favorite Things?'

I'm so glad you asked

Quesadillas
Youtube videos of babies laughing at stuff that's not funny
Sassy homeless people

And pretty much anything but you

Bye!

Next!

What are you singing?

'Being Alive?'

Tell you what
Why don't you go to the dance call?

No, I don't actually want to see if you can dance
I just don't want to look at you anymore

If we had an origami call
I'd make you go fold paper swans
No go put on your tap shoes
While I update my twitter

Bye!

Next!

'Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better?'

I stopped paying attention
Halfway through the title

Bye!

Ugh, it's a good thing we pre-cast this thing months ago
Otherwise I'd have to actually listen to these people

Next!

What are you singing?

'Ev'ry Time We Say Good-bye?'

Have you been listening at the door?

But I Know It's 4am

On the train home
Trying to beat the sunlight
Back to bed

Trying to hold a kiss
On the edge of my lips

Trying not to laugh
By myself
On the train

And I want to go back
To two hours ago
When we finally got it right

Why leave to chance
That you'd feel the same way
Tomorrow?

I wanted to watch you
And keep you
And sleep right next to you
And creepy as that may sound

Nothing makes sense at 4am
Nothing feels wrong at 4am
Loneliness sucks so much worse
But joy overtakes you so much more

I want to be there
'Til half past four
Tomorrow afternoon

I want to run to your window
And sing up my promises
Solid as steel

I want to keep the roll we got going
I want to go to sleep simply knowing
That nothing is going to change

I would call you and tell you
All this

But I know it's 4am

So until then
Whenever then is

Well...

Sleep well

Eighteen Names for Paradise

1.  Eating pizza on a Tuesday night while you do your homework next to me.

2.  Seeing you for the first time since last period in the library.

3.  Taking photos of you walking on the beach while I watch mere feet from you.

4.  Having you be the first boy to tell me I'm pretty and believing it.

5.  Finding out that the last book I read is the book that you're reading right now.

6.  When you puff up your face and wiggle your ears so you look like a clownfish.

7.  The blue jelly beans and the red M&M's and the cherry lifesavers.

8.  Hearing you say you love your mom even though it's not a cool thing to say.

9.  Watching you win graciously and lose quietly every basketball game.

10.  My dog likes you and my dog doesn't like anybody but me and you.

11.  You taught me to put something under everything I do to support it.

12.  Next year when we're eighteen I'm going to tell you that I love you for real.

13.  I imagine each year of your life like another name for paradise.

14.  I call you more things than eskimo snow and candy brands and Disneyland.

15.  I think you ask me things just to make me feel smart when I know the answer.

16.  And I feel okay being goofy in front of you without feeling dumb.

17.  Let's skip prom and go to that beach and I can walk with you this time, okay?

18.  I wrote this laughing to myself because I saw you writing your list first.

On the Line

I would wear that dress on the right
The one next to her husband's boxer shorts

I would wear that one
If I lost thirty pounds

Why does she wear that one so much?
It's not like she ever goes out

What does she wear it around the house?

Does she walk around
Offering tea
To invisible party guests?

I'm very confused, Magda
Very, very confused

What about hers?

Hanging down from 4D

The scarves

Why launder scarves?

Scarves don't get dirty

It's not like they're silk scarves

If I ever saw a silk scarf
I'd die

Such luxury
Taken in by my eyes
Would stop my heart cold
I'm telling you

I'm telling you, Magda
I'm telling you, I'm telling you

All she ever hangs out to dry are scarves

Is that all she wears?

She keeps asking me over for dinner

What if I go over there
And she opens the door
With only her neck covered?

What am I supposed to do then?

Maybe she washes the scarves
But nothing else

Maybe she's walking around in filthy clothing
But the neck up, she's fresh as a rose

Anything's possible in this world, Magda

Oh, there's 3G
Hanging out those ugly socks

How does she think she's ever going to find a husband
Wearing socks like that?

A man creates a lot of opinions about a woman
Based on the socks she's wearing

If my husband had seen those
He would have stayed my butcher
And he probably wouldn't have given me a discount on veal either

Ugh, Magda
The laundry is never done
It's endless

If I had a real dryer
Then I wouldn't have to hang my clothes outside my apartment
Like a peasant

Then I could spend my days
Doing important things

Ah, but it's no good to dream
Gotta keep yourself in check

Besides, at least you and I
Get to spend some quality time together

And friendship and quality time
Are important

It makes for good people

Oh dear, look at 6C's tablecloth

I can't believe she'd even put that out there
For all the world to see

Some people
Have no shame

Joey's First Haircut

What I'm thinking is something fun, you know?

Give him something the kids at school
Can talk about

I think we should start with his initials
Then maybe a five--for his age
Then something awesome
Like a griffin or a dragon with a dead guy in his mouth

I don't just want this to be a haircut
I want it to be a mural
Of badassedness

I can't send him into kindergarten
With that part across the side of his head
Like his mother wants

He needs to make a statement!

And that statement needs to be
I am a dragon who will eat you
And then go hang out with a griffin

Or a tyrannosaurus rex
Or maybe a rabid dog

Can you buzz a dog onto his head
So that the mouth looks like it's foaming?

Hey, one sec
My kid's freaking out a little

Don't worry, Joey
Daddy's got this all taken care of

You don't think I'd screw up your first haircut, do you?

And even if I did
The important thing to remember about hair
Is that it grows back

I mean, not fast
Not your hair, anyway
You got my hair
And our hair takes FOREVER to grow back

I shaved my head when I was in fourth grade
And I didn't see hair again until I was in high school

But I think that skips a generation
So you're all set

Okay, Maestro
Let's get started

Why don't you do the girl riding the motorcycle
Right on top of his head
So planes going by can see it

That would be amazing

Don't worry, little guy
Daddy's got this one

You just sit back
And relax

While He Tries to Stay Awake

The song on the radio
The empty coffee styrofoam cup
The open window
The open road
The man who needs to stay awake

The trip?  A bust
The girl?  Engaged
The guy?  Not him
The truth?  Resting in his stomach next to two bags of cheap fast food
The next step?  Not a clue

Tomorrow--work at 8am
The next day--same, and the day after that
Next month--his brother's wedding
In six months--his birthday
In a year--he could feel great, he thinks

Got a trick?  Got a trick to stay awake?
Sing a song in your head
Pick a song, any song
Maybe a memory
That'll keep you alert

But all the memories are of her
And they're so comfortable
He just wants to crawl inside them
And stay there
While his car goes off the road

She would be upset
She would blame herself
She would blame him
She would still get married
So what would be the point?

He'd like drive his car in a figure eight formation
Or swerve in such a way
That it does a one eighty
And leaves him facing the non-existent
Oncoming traffic

Nobody's on the road
He should stop the car
He should get out and walk
See how long it takes him to get home
See if he stops somewhere before he gets there and starts over completely

He thinks about turning around
He thinks about grand gestures
He thinks about two years ago
He thinks about two hours ago
He thinks about how much he wanted to be driving back with her in the passenger seat

And the thought of that
Makes him glance over
For just a second
Just to make sure
She wasn't there

Ali in the Attic

Ali's in the attic
In her underwear

It's so damn hot
In the rest of the house

And even though heat rises
For some reason
Up in the attic
It's cool

She put a towel down
And a glass of peach lemonade
And some magazines
And she inflated a kiddie pool
She found in the basement

This was going to be her beach

The sunlight came in
Through the skylight
And Ali placed herself
Directly underneath it

She would now have a tan square on her stomach
But that's fine

So much is fine

Downstairs there is an argument going on
About who she will live with
When her parents split up

Ali, being sixteen
Feels this argument is pointless

In two years
She will be in college

Why argue over two years?

She wants to tell her parents
To just let her stay here
In the house
In the attic

But that is not an option

The house is being sold
The money divided between her mother and her father
Apartments will be rented
And she will be ferried back and forth between them
Until college
When she will be responsible for the ferrying
During holidays
And breaks

Her personal life will now revolve around
Fulfilling responsibilities
To people who couldn't fulfill theirs

Making sure no parent feels less loved than the other
Making sure her mother doesn't think that her father is buying her love
Making sure her father doesn't think that her mother is turning her against him
Making them both think she's adjusting well to their separation
And to the loss of the home she loves

She will miss the attic
She will miss the cool air
She will miss a summer in a house
As opposed to two apartments
Where she will be asked to split herself down the middle

All her love and experience and personality
And allocate half of it to one place
And half to the other

She won't tell her parents this
Because it will only feel guilty
And they already feel guilty

Would she want them to stay together?  No
Not if they're not happy

But she resents being the victim
Of other people's unhappiness

A cloud rolls in front of the sun
And the sun square disappears

Ali hears the door slam

Someone has walked out
Of the argument

The silence after the argument
Has always scared Ali
More than the argument itself

An argument meant two people were still fighting for something
A door closing and the following calm
Means somebody has given up

But it doesn't bother her anymore

Now it's just a door closing

And the silence is something
She can begin
To get used to