A Clean Shave

You know, I have to say

It’s not the best haircut

I’ve ever had

Well, he didn’t really seem to--

I mean, when you put aside

The whole murdering thing

He really just didn’t seem to have

A good grasp

Of his craft

You know what I mean?

I get that he was busy
Slitting people’s throats

But that’s no excuse

To shoddy work

Look at the back of my head

Look at it

It’s atrocious

I don’t even want to leave the house

My friend who recommended me

Had this nice, clean cut--

I think he did anyway

It was hard to tell

With him in the casket

But--

I could tell

It was a much better haircut

Than the one I got

Just atrocious

Why do you think I’m wearing a hat?

Have you ever seen me

Wear a hat?

Oh--and!

And!

He got blood

On my lapel

I think it was left over

From the guy before me

Dripped

Right on my brand new suit jacket

It’s not sanitary!

I was so upset about it

I had to go downstairs

And have a pie

So I could calm down

Oh, those pies

They’re incredible

I hope my friend go to try one

Before he--you know

Disappointing

The haircut

Not the pie

The pie was--A+

And also--

Real talk here

Why didn’t he kill me?

I was sitting right there

I had the razor at my neck

I was talking the entire time

He definitely looked like

He wanted to kill me

And yet here I am

And, you know

I’m trying not to take that personally

But it’s hard

It’s really hard

I’m not dead

And he gave me a shitty haircut

On top of it

Disappointing

Just very

Disappointing

Well, let me tell you something

If he hadn’t had his own throat slit

I wouldn’t be going back to his shop

Not a chance

Not a chance in hell

A clean shave?

Sure

But the haircut?

No

No, no, no

Oh!--and

The singing

I could have done

Without that as well

You know, I might be alive

But I’m far from being

A happy customer