Credit Cards and Denial

I have some advice for you, Oliver

Don’t look at the checkbook

Just cut the check

And be done with it

That’s my advice

Our daughter is getting married

And if you look at the check you’re writing
If you even think about it
You’re bound to get upset
And nobody wants that

And by nobody I mean me

You know, when your child gets married

There are just certain things you shouldn’t do

There are ways you live your life up to that point

But then—once you reach that major event

You have to turn your entire life around
And start living like you’re in some kind of parallel Universe

Where up is down

And down is up

And money is just something
That doesn’t really exist
And that comes in an endless supply

That’s how you do it, Oliver

That’s how you make it work

If the Lord wanted us to know

How much we spend on our children’s wedding
He wouldn’t have given us
Credit cards and denial

Remember when you suggested

That we should pay for the whole wedding in cash?

In cash?

As a way of avoiding

Spending too much money?

As if that was even possible

You talked about us
Having a budget

A budget

As if a budget

Was something tangible

Something that could actually be

Adhered to

Oh that was funny, Oliver

That was all very funny

I really had a good laugh at that one

Cash

A budget
No live pelicans

You are just full of jokes

And I really—

No, I really do appreciate them, Oliver

But now we’re coming down to the wire

And it’s time to get serious

So listen to me, darling

Listen to the woman
Who has kept you alive all these years
In spite of your blood pressure
And your habit of running red lights

I'm the woman who raised your children
And pressed your suits

And made sure that you still had some hair left

By the time you turned sixty

So trust me
Don’t look at the checkbook

Here's how we're going to do this--

I’ll give you a number

And you write it down

Then you write down another one
And another one
And another one

And pretty soon

Before you know it

The whole wedding’s paid off

It’s the only way, Oliver

It’s the only way to do it

Trust me, darling
I know it’s your money
But I figured out a long time ago
That happiness isn’t about money

It’s about what you know

And when it comes to your money

The less you know
The better