Wait Inside This Creepy Room

Do me a favor, sir

Wait inside this creepy room

Pretty soon

We’ll take you to another creepy room
But right now
You wait in this one
And when you’re ready to crawl out of your skin
I’ll come get you

You like the wallpaper?

You like the carpet?
You like the magazines
With the dead raccoons on ‘em?

I designed the place

Top to bottom

Floor to ceiling
Wall-to-wall

It needed an...intriguing touch

Don’t mind the shoes

We don’t know who they belong to
They just pile up all over the place
And we can never get anybody
To throw ‘em out for us

You can try on a pair

If you want

You look like you got two nice feet

Going on
Down there

You know, I wanted to have paintings of feet

Hung up
All around the office
But the doctor
He’s an armpit man

Feel free to put your cigarettes out

Right in the carpet

Gives ‘em a little bit of texture

You know what I mean?

Do you smoke?

You don’t smoke?
You wanna start?

Smoking will kill you

But so will killing somebody
Because they’re pissing you off
And you can’t have a smoke
To calm down
So to me
It’s all six of one

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you know what I mean

Relax

Take a seat
Have a beer

We keep ‘em in a cooler

Next to the urine samples
To the left of the receptionist’s desk

We don’t have a receptionist anymore

On account of the doctor
Firing her because he thought she was doing witchcraft
On her lunch break

He’s a real old-fashioned kind of guy

Loves teeth
Just loves them

Almost as much as armpits

I told him he should have become a dentist

But he said the pictures of cavities hurt his feelings
So he became a general practitioner instead

I think it was a good call

How bad can you screw up
When you’re just telling people to lose ten pounds
And take their diabetes medication?

I gotta tell you

I’ve worked a lot of places
But this is by far
The creepiest

You start in this room

Then you go in another
You strip down
You go to another
We make you put your socks back on
Then another room
Then another
Then another

By the time you see the doctor

You don’t know your tits from your tonsils

But you’re in and out so fast

You don’t even notice

That’s the medical field for you

Hey, be sure to put your number down in the book

When you sign in

You seem like a lot of fun

We could get a drink when you’re done here

Oh, believe me

When you’re finished here
You’re going to need a drink