Cheesecake

While I demonstrate

How to make

Cheesecake

I think to myself—

Why don’t I just run?

Why don’t I just run

As fast as I can

Away from these cameras

Who only care about my hands

And these people watching online

Who are never

Ever

Going to make

This fucking cheesecake?

I don’t even get to talk in the video

...But that’s probably for the best

If I could talk

I would tell whoever's watching

That they should just go buy a cheesecake

Rather than spend precious minutes of their lives

Making one

Because cheesecake

Is the mac and cheese

Of desserts

If it takes more than ten minutes to make

Have somebody else do it for you

Because the time spent on it

Isn’t worth the result

I mean, it’s delicious

Don’t get me wrong, but—

Oh my god

Why am I still talking
About the fucking cheesecake?

It’s cheesecake

Not that I haven't made better things

On this fucking site

Last week they let me demonstrate

How to make chicken marsala

Which was cool

Except only ninety-year-old men

Still eat chicken marsala

It’s just not a thing anymore

Or at least, it wasn’t

Back when I was still out in the world

And not trapped

In this Instructional Purgatory

They’re telling me

I have to go back

And demonstrate the part

About whisking again

Fucking whisking

You know how you teach people
How to whisk?

You shout at them—

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO WHISK?

Do you drive?

Do you drive a car?

I’m sure many of you do

And yet whisking

Needs to be broken down for you

In the simplest terms possible

I can’t fucking stand this

I wish I could chew my nails right off

But then they’d bench me from making videos
Until my nails grew back

And I’d have to sit in this little room

Where we keep a puppy

Nobody’s allowed to pet

And it’s torture, okay?

It’s fucking torture

So instead

I think about what other demonstrations
I have coming up later

Buffalo chicken wing dip

Tortellini something

And baked potato four ways

Four fucking ways

To make a baked potato

Just shoot me, okay?

Just fucking shoot me

I used to be a chef

I used to have clout
I never even used to think about cheesecake

Let alone make it

Then somebody told me about this site

A way to earn extra money

A couple of videos a week

And nobody even knows you’re doing it

Because they just film your hands

And I thought—

Sure, why not?

Now here I am

Four years later

Wondering if I should just stab myself

With this cake knife

And be done with it

Outside I bet there are people

Who cook what they want

When they want

I bet they never make cheesecake

And they never go step-by-step

And they only know one way

To make a baked potato

And they’re fine with that

I bet they drink wine while they cook

And talk to friends while they cook

And go do other things

While the water boils

Or the sauce reduces

And I bet they don’t have a recipe

And they don’t need one

And I bet they hardly ever

Look down
At their hands