After the Divorce

-- Child of divorce, can you tell? --

I want the salt and pepper shakers

The steel ones that could kill a person

Those are coming with me

After the divorce

I want the ceramic monkey

The one you gave me

On our fifth anniversary

Rather than something of value

That's coming with me

After the divorce

I want the naked photos of me

Obviously

I want the framed crossword puzzle

The completed New York Times crossword puzzle

The biggest accomplishment of my life

To counteract the biggest failure of my life

That's coming with me

After the divorce

I want the television

Not because I actually want it

Moreso because

I don't want YOU to have it

I want all photos of your father

So that I can burn them

On a pyre

Along with my wedding ring

Which is so poorly made

I bet it'll evaporate

As soon as it touches any heat

Greater than my natural finger warmth

I want every book I ever bought you

Since you never read any of them

And you won't read them once I'm gone

So I might as well take them with me

And educate myself

Before death takes me

I want to meet a man

A stupid, beautiful man

And I want to learn to rhumba

And I want to rhumba with him

The gorgeous idiot

And I want to take photos

And send them to you

I want to have fun again

After the divorce

I want to eat fast food

I want to eat all the things

I couldn't eat

Because you had to be on

A special diet

Where the only acceptable meals

Are rice and fish

Or fish and rice

Or rice

Or fish

Or water

I ate like that for years

But I don't have to eat like that

Anymore

I can take up drinking again

I can watch what I want on television

I can wear outfits that show off my body

I can get married again

And it can work

Next time

Isn't that amazing?

There's a next time

There IS a next time

And if there isn't

I'll never know

Isn't that wonderful?

I want to love somebody

I wanted to love you

But I don't think I ever actually did

That's unfortunate

But what's even more unfortunate

Is that I think you actually did love me

And I did more for you without love

Than you did for me with it

I don't want that to happen again

After the divorce

I want to get dogs

I want to have fish

I want to own all the animals

I couldn't own

Because you were allergic

I want to go to stupid movies

I want to be a good friend again

I want to travel

And I want to go far

I'll admit

It wasn't much of a marriage

But honey

It's going to be one hell of a good divorce