Malcolm Cleans Out His Locker

-- Since it already feels like summer --

"Malcolm Cleans Out His Locker"

Five photos of Sarah Michelle Gellar
Four of them from "Buffy"
One of them from "Scooby Doo"
It makes sense to like her
She's a girl girls like
But gay men adore
And when he came out
He didn't have to take the photos down
It was still acceptable
To want to sleep with boys
And still want to have sex with SMG

He remembered the day he told Tara
And Tara told everyone
Tara was his best friend
But she was an unstoppable gossip
And he really couldn't blame her

During the assembly
'Sophomore Year and You'
The principal had reminded his class
That by the time they were seniors
Many of them would be gone

'Look to your left.
Look to your right.
By your last day here
One of you will be gone.'

Malcolm found it on the shelf
Pressed up against the back of the locker
The candy necklace Anil Faomi gave to him
Two years ago
When Faomi graduated

It wasn't so much a gift
As it was a toss-off

'You like candy? Here.'

But Malcolm had kept it
Even after it started turning gray
Because Anil was cute
So insanely cute
And he had dated Tara
Who totally didn't deserve him
But he would never tell Tara that
Even though he she barely remembered Anil now
Nor did she keep sentiments to remind her of him

He went to Temple
Malcolm tried to get into Temple
He failed
He failed at most things
So he was going to Buxley

Buxley was one of those schools
That people didn't know existed
So that when you said--

'I'm going to Buxley'

Their eyes squinted a bit
As if trying to see it in their heads
The way one might attempt to see Wonderland
Or Never Neverland
That was Buxley
That was where Malcom was going

A letter from Curtis Dovetail
Whose last name really was Dovetail
In which he admitted having a crush on Malcolm
Curtis was expelled
For flashing Mr. Myers in P.E.
When Myers tried to force him to play touch football
Against his will

Curtis proclaimed his love for Malcolm
Using words like 'impulse' and 'flesh'
As in--

'I find myself having an impulse to lick your flesh.'

This freaked Malcolm out
He was fifteen when Curtis was expelled
They would have graduated together
Perhaps they would have dated
Perhaps they'd be cleaning out their lockers together
Or maybe they'd be sharing a locker
Like the duplex Malcolm's Dad shared
With his scizo Uncle Joe

But when Malcolm first received the letter
He broke out into a sweat
It was after school
Luckily
So nobody was around
To grab the letter out of his hand
To announce its contents to the world
To the entire school
Who would laugh and jeer
Then crucify him to scoreboard
Out on the field

He read the letter quickly
Scanned the hallways
Then read it again
Each time not believing the words
Not believing what they meant

That Curtis was like him
That they were alike
That Curtis knew this
And that Malcolm didn't know it
Until he read the letter

When he got to the part
About Curtis fantasizing
Making love to him
On the ferris wheel
During the class trip
To Great Adventure
He felt himself getting excited
So he threw the letter into his locker
And slammed it shut

Over the next two years
He would commit the letter to memory
He would casually ask people about Curtis
And the news was never good

Bounced from school to school
Mom tried to kill herself
Dad in prison
Curtis moved to Daytona
Then Miami
Then Montana
Then back to Miami
Then who knows where?

When Malcolm told Tara
When he really told her
He showed her the letter
And she cried

Tara always felt things
Moreso than other people
Even if she was a bitch
Who talked sooo much shit

'It's so sad, you know?'
'Yeah.'
'That you two missed each other like that.'
'Yeah.'
'Just sad.'
'Yeah.'

Malcolm folded up the letter
And put it in his pocket
He was a little nervous about bringing it home
His mom liked to snoop
But he'd find a place for it
He wanted to keep it
Even though he knew every word

The yearbook might as well go in the trash
Despite the false well-wishing
In bright pink pen and green swishes
Otherwise known
As the handwriting
Of his fellow classmates

'Keep Smiling!'
'Love ya!'
'K.I.T. Malcolm!'

He wished that they would have written
What they really wanted to--

'I always thought you were weird.'
'I started a rumor that you were a pagan.'
'I have no idea who you are.'

The only reason he kept the yearbook
Was a phone number--

'Call me this summer. We should hang.'

Travis Dunne's phone number
And his house number
And his e-mail address
All in a gorgeous row

To Malcolm
This could only mean one thing

'Malcolm, he's not.'

Tara wouldn't hear of it
Even though Travis--

1) Always sat next to him in every class they had together.
2) Teased him for no reason and then offered to 'hang out.'
3) Had never had a girlfriend, only a girl space friend, Trina Parker, who had a wicked protective boyfriend who didn't seem to care that Trina was best friends with Travis which meant he wasn't jealous and why wouldn't he be jealous unless Trina had said 'Listen, Travis is gay, so it's cool if we hang out, but don't tell anybody, okay?'
4) Dressed really nice, like, really really nice...like, you know...NICE.
5) Also had photos of SMG up in his locker.

Malcolm was going to wait
And call Travis
Once school was out
But Travis was going to NYU
And who knew when he was going to leave?

So he dialed six of the numbers
The night Travis wrote in his yearbook
Then hung up the phone
He did this eighteen times
On the nineteenth try
He had Tara come over
So she could do it for him

'It's ringing.'
'Hang up.'
'No! I came over here for this!'
'Please hang up.'
'It's still ringing.'
'Tara, I'm not kidding!'
'Neither am I.'
'Tara--'
'Don't make me punch you.'
'No! You punch hard!'

Nobody was home
He grabbed the phone
Before Tara could leave
An inappropriate message

Who knew when he would call again
Maybe after graduation
Maybe Travis would still be around
And if not...

There was always the five-year reunion

The last thing in his locker
Was the book
From Mr. Woolf
The one he'd gotten
On the day of his exam

It was a copy of 'Sure of You'
The last book
In the 'Tales of the City' series
That Mr. Woolf had seen him reading
Whenever he'd finish a test early
Or when they had a few minutes left
At the end of class

Mr. Woolf asked him about the books
And he felt embarrassed
The editions Malcolm had
Were embossed with naked gay men
Albeit naked gay cartoon men
Right on the front cover

He couldn't even bring himself
To buy them at the bookstore
So he had Tara do it for him
Since she had no shame

'Oh my God. Again? How fast do you read?'

Malcolm covered the books
Using post-it notes
And the other kids just chalked it up
To another weird quirk
In his personality

But Mr. Woolf recognized the back cover
So obviously he'd read them too
He'd asked why Malcolm liked the books
But all Malcolm could sputter out
Was the name of one of the characters
His favorite character

'Michael...I like Michael.'

Naive country boy
Moves to the big gay city
Falls in love with a doctor
Lives in a fabulous hillside apartment
Befriends Mary Ann Singleton
Who was like Tara
If Tara wasn't a slut
Maybe Tara was Mona
But Malcolm didn't like Mona
And besides--

'I like Michael, too.'

That had been all
Mr. Woolf had said

Malcolm was on the second-to-last book
The day of the final exam
And when he finished
And went to drop off the exam
At Mr. Woolf's desk
The very young
Obviously handsome
So much so that his elective classes
Were mostly filled with girls
Because why else would anyone take a class called--

'Post-Colonial Literature'

Mr. Woolf held up a finger
Reached in his clearly expensive attache
And handed Malcolm a book
The last book--'Sure of You'

'Congratulations, Malcolm.'

He wasn't sure why he was being congratulated
He'd kind of figure out later
Anyway, he'd have theories
But at that moment
He simply said--

'Thank you'

--Took the book
Walked calmly to the hallway
Then ran all the way home

The book had notes in the margins
Lots of notes
Fun little sayings
Expressions
Nothing inappropriate

It was an old copy
Probably from when Mr. Woolf
Was in high school
No, college
Yes, definitely college

It was a piece of his past
And it was exhilarating

'Oh my God! You have to let me read it!'

He did not let Tara read it
But he read it
And re-read all the things
That Mr. Woolf had written

Especially the last page
That had the following corny inscription
Written on the day
Mr. Woolf gave him the book

'Be sure of yourself, Malcolm. Best Wishes, Adam.'

Adam
Adam
Adam

Adam Woolf
Malcolm Woof
Mr. Malcolm Woolf

God, that would sound good
But what was his problem?
He wasn't a child
He was going to college
Granted, to Buxley
But still!

He put the book
In his bag
And zipped it shut

That was all

The locker was clear
Graduation was in two days
Tara was moving to San Diego
With her boyfriend
A tattoo artist
Named Fin

This was how life began
Adult life
Life you enjoyed
It began with a clean locker

It began by looking to your left
It began by looking to your right
Realizing you had done it
You had really done it

And then shutting the door
And walking away