Dede's Theory of Fame

So here's my theory on fame:
I always knew
That all I had to do
Was become famous enough

Enough, you know?

For example
There's theater here, right?
In Rhode Island?
I thought I saw a theater
But you never know

I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything
I just--

Never mind

Let's just use this as an example

Do you realize
That I'm really
Not that famous?

No
It's okay
I'm not
And I know that
And that's okay with me

I never set out to be Christina Marks
Or anything
That wasn't my goal

My goal was to be
Famous

...Enough

Do you see what I mean?

I've done a few movies
Never had a starring role
All the blockbusters
Were, um, ensemble pieces
I guess you would say

You can't really take credit for a move making a hundred million dollars
When it's about giant lizards taking over New York

You kinda have to give the giant lizards their due, you know what I mean?

But I am known
You know?

I would fall
I'd say
On the B-Minus list
Maybe 'B'
Yeah, I guess--

Okay, yeah--I'm on the 'B' list

I mean, my grandmother wouldn't know me
If I wasn't her granddaughter
Because I'm not big enough to be in the tabloids
But she knows who Christina Marks is

I mean, she thinks Christina's a slut
Because of the whole girl-kiss thing
But still, she knows who she is

Christina is A-list

Now
I have friends on the A-list
Lots of friends
Because I do movies with these people
Because I'm the go-to funny girl
Which is fine
That's what I want

But unless I'm with those people
I'm not getting into anywhere trendy

I'm not making demands
About the kind of projects I want to do

I'm not getting on the front page
Of Entertainment Weekly

None of that happens for me

But I work
And I work consistently
And I never get hounded by photographers
And I make great money
So that's all cool

But what's even cooler
Is that I'm famous enough
So that if I wanted to come here
To Providence, let's say
And go to one of your theaters

Um
Name a theater
Go ahead
Can you name one?
Oh

The one you work at?
You work at a--?

You act?

Oh my God
That's--

This is perfect then

Wow, you're really going to appreciate this then

You would admit
Wouldn't you
That if I called up, um--

The Artistic Director

Of your theater

And told him
That I wanted to be the lead
In a show
But I would have to pick the show
And be in complete control
And do whatever I want
And be a total bitch

He would let me

Right?

Of course he would

Because I'm in movies
Because I'm famous...enough

Because regardless of whether or not he or she thought I was a good actress
They would have to recognize that having me in a play
At their theater
Would make a lot of money
Because people who loathe theater
Would come out of the woodwork
To see somebody
In 'Three Sisters'
Just because she had three lines
In 'Reptilia 2:  Attack on New York'

It's all about circles, you know?

It's about the circles you're in
And where those circles are
And what is required of the people in those circles
And when you think about it
How messed up is that?

That success is so relative, you know?

Because you're probably a great actress
You're probably better than me, right?
Would you say you're a good actress?
You would, right?
But you couldn't call your boss
And say, um
'Let me do whatever I want'

Because here
He's a big deal
He's a bigger deal than you
And you're bigger than some people

Community theater people
College theater majors
People like that

There's a drag queen I saw tonight
At this club downtown
And you're probably bigger than her--maybe

So that's something
It's not nothing
But, um

In the grand scheme of things
You go to L.A.
And I trounce you
I mean, I destroy you
Just because of where it is
That you're famous

I see it all the time
Because I used to do theater
And I was pretty big in New York
I got nominated for awards
The whole thing

But when I called the theater
In the town I used to live in
This little regional place
Not even a big deal
Not at all

Like fifty folding chairs
And a piano, you know?

I was like--

'Hey! I want to come back!
I want to do a show there!'

And the guy who ran the place
Really hated me
I mean, he hated my guts
And he actually
I'm not kidding

He said 'No'

Here I was
I was famous
In New York
I really was
In theater circles, you know?

I might have been on a magazine or something
Or online, on some website
But still, you know, bigger than him at that point
In a better, bigger circle, and notable in that circle

But what I didn't understand
Is that I wasn't famous...enough
I could walk into some piano bar
In the Village
And get treated like a queen
But back where I was from
I was still nothing

It wasn't enough

So I gave it all up
I went to L.A.
And I was REALLY nothing
I mean, I was less than nothing there
The fact that I did theater?
It was like--

Like I was a first grader applying to grad school

I had people outright laugh at me
I mean, they tell you people are going to laugh at you
But you think it's an expression
And, it's really not
They laugh

They really laugh

Then things started picking up
I got a sitcom
It got canceled after, like, an hour
But it was still a sitcom
It was still bigger than a Broadway show
Running for three years
Because it was on television

More people saw the two episodes of that show that they aired
Than all the people who saw all the hit plays I was ever in combined

Then I started getting movies
And when I did this movie
Ironically, with Christina Marks
I got a phone call
From that theater
Back in my hometown
They wanted to bring me in
And have me do a show

And when I asked
How the guy running it felt
Felt about that
They said they let him go
When they found out
That he had turned me down
The first time
Even though chances are
They totally knew he did that
But they didn't care
Because at the time
I still wasn't famous...enough

I didn't do the show
Because what was the point?
I wanted to get back at the guy
That was all I wanted

Without him
What was the point?

But it's good to know
That I've gotten there
That I'm famous enough
Just enough
To make demands
To drop in on some little place
Like this, you know?
And have people treat me like, you know
Like I'm somebody

Like I'm impressive, you know?

There's nothing better than that
That's what you should strive for
Don't strive to be famous or anything
Just famous enough to have people look at you like that

Because people who are really are--
Like, famous people, they're--

They're messed up
They're really messed up