Hamilton Hays

I wrote the movie
So I could be in the movie
That's no secret
Everybody knows that
It might as well be the tagline

Nobody likes that
When people write their own roles
Especially when the script
Turns out to be good
Then they really freak out

Because then, as a writer
Your power stretches into casting
And that really makes people uncomfortable
Because a writer is not supposed to have any control
At least, not a young writer

I can understand that
I like having control
But you have to be smart
To have all the control
Not really to have it
But to keep it

I'll give them credit for one thing though

They didn't ask me to be straight

I was kind of shocked
Then I realized

They think I'm the weakest link
From an acting perspective anyway
From a fame perspective
From a 'selling the movie' marketing perspective
So what does it matter if I'm gay?

Everyone knows I'm gay anyway

That's how I lost that role
In the movie Dede was doing

She's really sweet, by the way
Dede

Totally cool
Like you wouldn't believe

She didn't care that I was gay
But I had just come out
And everybody thought
That we wouldn't sell a romantic comedy
With a gay guy in the lead

Which is pretty ironic
Considering how many teenage girls
End up in relationships with gay men

Back then I was one of the intellectual cuties
For girls who didn't think they could get Nikao Brody

But I came out
And the teen girls--

They weren't having it

They like to know
That there's a chance
Even if it's a sliver
Of a chance

They need to know
That there's at least that chance
That if you could meet them
You'd fall in love with them
And marry them

Or forget it
They abandon you
And put up new posters
In their lockers
Of guys you've banged
Who are still saying
They're waiting for--

'The Right Girl'

I really only wanted that Dede movie
Because that was going to be
The Moment

The moment when your success
Has reached the point
Where people can longer just envy you
They have to admire you

That's when your enemies
Start pretending they were friends with you
Back when you still had bad skin
And weighed three hundred pounds

That's when your ex's
Stop denying they've dated you
Stop talking shit about you
Stop saying 'You were a great guy, but...'
And start trying to get you back

That's when you can come back home
And walk around like a King
Have a parade in your honor
Have sex with everyone
You always wanted to have sex with
And get your ass kissed so many times
It has permanent lip marks on it

That's what happens
When you hit
The Moment

And I would have hit that moment
And I would have come back to Providence
And I would have cashed in all my chips

I would have gotten my teeth polished
Just so I could smile bigger
At all the assholes
I was going to walk by

But I did that interview
And they asked
They asked the question
'Are you--?'

And I thought

'Okay, sure, why not?'

Ricky Martin is gay
Rupert Everett is gay
Ian McKellen is gay
Why can't I be gay?

It didn't occur to me
That Ricky is a joke
Rupert doesn't work
And Ian is too old
For anyone to care

I just blurted out 'Yup!'
And thought that would be it
And I missed the Moment
I missed it completely

Now here I am
With this great script
This damn good role
That nobody wanted me to have
Back in a place
I said I would only come back to
Once I had passed
The Moment

I'm chasing the needle
Right into the haystack

Looking for redemption
Within the crime

Witnessing my own resurrection
Even as the ashes still cling to me

You like any of that?
Should I use that?
Do you have a pencil?
I should write all that down

I wrote this script one night
Drunk off my ass
Just angry, you know?

Just really angry

And suddenly I could write my own history
I could take people I knew
And make them characters
I could dictate who they were

When this movie comes out
I am never going to be able to come back here
Moment or no Moment

I'm done
That's it

I never thought I'd come back
But I thought the only thing worse
Would be coming back halfway

As a B-List star
As a talk show host
As a...writer

I'm familiar, but I'm not famous
And famous was the plan

Hey

Do me a favor
Think of the last thing you said
That began with the words--

'I will never...'

Now brace yourself

You will

You will do
Whatever it is
You said you'd never do

You'll do it

Believe me
You will