Skinny Dipping with Pippin

They wanted a four-year-old
But when the mothers heard
There was nudity
That there would be female nudity
Not just shirtless guys
Like when the theater did Picnic
They forbade Lans Harbour
The director and producer
From using their children

'Why can't he do a nice show?'
One of them asked
'Like when they did "King and I"
My Sarah looked so pretty
Dressed up like a little Asian.'

I had just graduated high school
Where I had done several plays
All of them Shakespeare
But I had never sung
And never danced
And I had no idea
Whether I was even capable
Of doing either

'It doesn't matter'
Lans told me
When he corned me
At my summer job
Being a cashier
At Comp Stop

'You look young
That's what I need'

I maybe could have passed for fifteen
But certainly not a four-year-old
Still, Lans was determined
And since all my friends
Were preparing to move
While I would just be heading
To the local community college
I figured a two-to-three night commitment
Wouldn't be so bad

And that was how I got the role
I was in my first musical
Playing a child
And sometimes
More than playing

- - - - -

I didn't have to show up
Until everyone else
Had already been rehearsing
For a few weeks

I wouldn't be in the ensemble
Since I couldn't dance or sing
I was playing Theo, the little boy
And only Theo, the little boy

That first rehearsal
Was strictly to block my scene
It would be me
My stage mother
And the guy playing Pippin
A forty-year-old
Who looked like my father

I didn't talk to him much
Actually, none of this
I would later learn
That being the lead
Can sometimes
Be a lonely opportunity

The girl playing my mother
Was a twenty-two year old
Named Emily Barker
Who took one look at me
And said I had a nice ass

I hadn't quite recovered
Before she followed that up with--

'And you're gay, right?'

It wasn't as much of a question
As it sounded
She nodded as she said it
So that I nodded too
And that was that

I was gay
And I had a nice ass

To this day
I believe that to be the purpose
Of people like Emily Barker
They're Namers
They name things

Emily would go on
To name the rest of the cast
Almost as if she were recasting them
In their proper roles

Myra was dubbed 'Damaged/Darling'
Krista was christened 'Snob/Slut'
Jason became 'Cute/Cocky'
George got labeled 'Funny/Fucked Up'
But Braden
Braden only got one name
No slash
No hyphen
Just one single word

'Amazing'

- - - - -

I walked into rehearsal
While they were blocking 'Glory'
I sat in the back of the dance studio
In a row of empty folding chairs
And instantly failed
At looking like I belonged there

Braden was dead on the floor
He had the most gorgeous dead body
I've ever seen in my life
And I was completely envious
Of the fake sword sticking out of it
And whoever it was that got to
Drive it into him

Lans called for a break
Prompting Braden to grab Krista
Pull her on top of him
And then roll so that he was lying on her
Tickling her the entire time
While she screamed
In what can only be described
As a mix of agony and elation

Nobody else was paying any attention
George said something to Jason
Who nodded in agreement
It seemed like they were having
A technical discussion
Like two mechanics

'Yup, the step-hop-step isn't work.'
'Nope, gotta work on that.'
'Shit.'
'Yup.'

Great
Now there was slang
I had to learn too

Myra was talking with Lans
Smiling and touching his shoulder
Every chance she got
For absolutely no reason

'Oh my God! Do you know--'
Shoulder touch
'--Who my favorite was? Daryll!'
Shoulder touch
'He was just...'
Shoulder touch
'...You know?'
Head tilt, shoulder touch

'Hey!'

My eyes shot over to Emily
Who had just walked in
She smiled and waved
Then looked at Braden
While motioning to me

'Guess what Braden?
You're not the only soup spoon
In the utensil drawer anymore.'

That was when
And I kid you not
I fell off my folding chair

- - - - -

After rehearsal
During which I avoided eye contact
As if I had just served on a jury
And found the entire cast guilty
Lans gave some notes
And I got one of my own
From Emily
Who slipped it into my hand

'Pool Party @ Damaged After Notes.
You're coming.'

Myra lived in a mansion
Up on the other side
Of Park Allen
Where the college professors live

Her driveway
Was long and winding
And you came up on her house
As if it were a clearing in the woods
Which it pretty much was

Myra answered the door
Wearing a two-piece
And one of those robes
That slutty mothers
On bad television teen dramas wear
When they're seducing
Their daughters' boyfriends

'Oliver! Heyyy! So glad you could come!
Don't you love the robe? It's my mom's.
Do you drink?'

I had to remind her
That I was only seventeen

'Oh God, all I did at seventeen was drink.
I'll make you something special.
A Myra, okay? We'll call it a Myra.
It'll be our thing.'

She disappeared into the house
I wandered through a few rooms
Following the sound of laughter
And splashing
Until I made it outside
To where the pool was

That was when I saw him
Braden
Standing on the diving board
Naked

He waved at me
As if nothing was amiss
As if it's no big deal to be naked
As if you're just born that way

It took me a minute
To realize he wasn't the only one
Krista was wrapped around Jason
Floating in the deep end
Wrapped around each other
Like one big naked pretzel

In the shallow end
The man playing Pippin
Who I found out was named Ira
Was leaning against the wall
Sipping on some sort of drink

His body was actually pretty decent
For an old guy
And he was wearing sunglasses
So he looked sort of cool
Or at least
That's how I remember him

Myra came out
Handed me my drink
And then dove into the pool
She splashed some water at Ira
And he grabbed her
Buried his face in her boobs
Until she screamed with laughter
And grabbed his...junk
Then he let her go
And she floated over to Jason and Krista
Who didn't seem too inviting

'Afraid to get naked in front of your mother?'

I turned around
And saw Emily approaching
She was the only one
Aside from me
Not in the pool

'Did Myra make you a Myra?
She's so retarded with those Myras.
It's like vodka and lemonade
That's not a Myra
She goes to Wagner, and thinks she's the shit.
I could have gotten into Wagner
But I felt like getting fucked in college
And not by confused homosexuals.
No offense.'

She took my drink
Downed it
And tossed her hair back
For absolutely no reason

'She wants to fuck Ira so bad.
But he's spoken for, as they say.'

Who says that?

'Krista and Jason are fucking, too.
Myra would fuck Jason, but she knows--'

I looked over
And saw Krista and Jason
Trying to paddle away
From Myra
Who was trying to splash water on them

'--She knows he's sooo out of her league.'

These people were in their twenties?
Does high school ever end?
I was concerned

'As for George--'

I looked around
But couldn't find George

'We don't invite him anywhere.
He's super funny
But he gets mad when nobody flirt with him.
It's so frustrating.
You're the fat funny guy, George.
That's what I really would love to say to him.
You're the fat funny guy. Embrace it.
One day when you get famous
You can have any woman you want
But until then, you're fucked.
Or not, whatever.
Anyway!
Into the pool!'

Without hesitation
She threw me into the pool

I fell in with all my clothes on
And not gracefully

When my head emerged from the water
I heard everybody laughing
And I considered staying under
Until watery death took me from the earth

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder

'Nice dive, Ollie.'

I hate the name Ollie
But when I turned
And saw Braden
Smiling at me
Ollie became my new favorite proper noun

'I...sometimes...yes'

Okay, then

'Wouldn't it be easier if you lost some clothes?'

I wanted nothing more
Than to be naked
With this man
But not in a pool
Surrounded by lunatics

'C'mon, it's exhilarating.'

I didn't know what that meant
I mean, I did
But I'd never felt it
I never felt exhilaration
I thought that was something
Only a Mustang could feel
Or a parachuter

Slowly I took off my shirt
Then my pants
Admittedly
The boxers came off the fastest
Because they had shamrocks on them
And there was no time to linger

Braden applauded my nudity
And was followed by everyone else

'Way to go, Theo,' Emily yelled 'That's why little slut-in-training.'

Braden took my hands
And started guiding me around the pool
It was cold
Of course
Because God hates me
But I tried not to look down at myself
Or down at him
I just stared straight
Into his beautiful green eyes

We started talking
About where I was going to college
About where he went--BC
About his ex-boyfriend--psycho
About Emily--off her meds

'You should come visit me in Boston, Ollie
You'd love it there.'

He didn't even know me
But he was right
I would have loved Boston
I would have loved anywhere
That he was

I would have loved Beirut
I would have loved Bosnia
I would have loved the Gobi Desert
I would have loved the bottom of that pool
If he and I could sink down into it
And never come up again
In our own little Atlantis

'Hate to break up your party'

We had turned around
And run smack into Ira

He put his hands on the small of Braden's back
And guided him around so that they were facing each other
And gave him the biggest
Most disgusting kiss
I have ever seen

'Awwww,' I heard Myra exclaim, 'So cute'

Cute?
Cute?
One of them was in his twenties
And the other fought in World War I
How would them kissing
Have been cute???

I floated away
Somewhat in horror
And Braden didn't even notice
The broken pieces of my heart
Floated around me
Like water lilies
Or river pollution

I floated right into Krista and Jason

'Hey,' Jason said, 'You're cute'
'Totally cute,' Krista echoed
'Do you want to make out?'

Great
Swingers
I'd heard about them
My sister is into 70's culture

'Sure,' I said, 'Why not?'

Eight hours later
I woke up in Myra's guest room
To the sound of her crying
In her bathroom

Apparently
At each of her pool parties
She goes into the bathroom
And cries until someone finds her
Which in this case
Was me
After she'd been in there
For a good four hours

Krista and Jason were where I had left them
Snuggling together on the couch
I didn't want to think about what I'd done
But I knew that at one point
I had become a part of their pretzel

Ira had taken Braden back to their house
Apparently they lived together
In the house Ira lived in with his wife
Before she left him
One of his teenage daughters was still there
And she and Braden would often go shopping together

Emily explained all this to me
When she came into my room
In the middle of the night
Really drunk

She also told me about her eating disorder
Her lesbian dalliances
Myra's crush on Lans
And how she'd love to play Maria
In 'The Sound of Music'
But she won't
Because people inexplicably hate her

In the morning
While I was cleaning off Myra
The phone rang

'Shit,' she said, 'I think we had rehearsal today.'

Terrific

- - - - -

When we got to the auditorium
Lans didn't look mad
He looked devastated
I remember thinking
We're just late
It's not like we...

But then I remembered
Everything everyone had done
And I wondered if he could
Turn us into the police

'Guys, George was in an accident last night'

He had found out about the party
He found out
And he knew
That not only was he not invited
He would never be invited
And the new kid
The one nobody even knew
Got invited
And he didn't

George took his car
And aimed for a tree

'So...you, uh, you can...you can all go home'

The show was canceled
Nobody asked why
Emily sat there
Not saying a word
While Myra did the opposite
Falling on the floor
And pounding the carpeting

Krista got up and left
Jason followed after her
Neither said anything to me

Ira and Braden
Offered me a ride home
But I said I'd walk
I wanted to walk

- - - - -

That fall
I started school
And I saw an audition posting
For some musical
That I had never heard of

I showed up at the audition
And when the director asked me
If I'd ever done a show before
I said 'No, never'

And I sang my song