"You've Been Fucked"
Congratulations
You've been fucked
Today is the day
The world collectively decided
To fuck you
We all woke up today
And got an e-mail
Asking if we would like to help
Fuck you
And we all said Yes
We all said 'Hell yeah'
Because fucking you
It seemed
Would mean
That we would not be getting fucked
Today
So we were all onboard
Collectively
To fuck you
We made your alarm clock battery die
We made your pipes freeze
Pipes freezing in July
Never heard of that, have you?
We did that
It's kind of cool if you think about it
We made that guy cut you off in traffic
We also made a little old lady
The one in front of you
Drive three miles an hour
On a one-lane road
While you were already late for work
Because we made sure
All the lights were red
For as long as possible
And we made the line at the Starbucks
Extra fucking long
We made sure that it rained
And that none of your laundry was done
So you had to wear that inappropriate top to work
And we made sure your boss noticed
So that he could reprimand you
But we did show some mercy
And prevented him from bringing up
Your 'Fuck Me' boots
Because we have a heart, after all
We had your mother call you seventeen times
For absolutely no reason
Except for the third time
When she told you that your little sister
Was getting married
We went out and found your sister a fiancee
And he's much more handsome and successful
Than anyone you've dated
It took some doing
But we found him
And they're going to have a long happy marriage
Yup
You've been fucked
We made your ex-boyfriend bump into you
Only after you'd tried crossing the street
And walked into a giant puddle
That you swore wasn't there an hour earlier
When you went to lunch
(It wasn't, that was us
Doesn't that make you feel better?
You're not crazy
That's something, isn't it?)
We made your rent check bounce
We had your electricity turned off
We burned your dinner
We preempted your favorite show
With an address from some politician
About some bullshit political thing
That we knew you wouldn't watch
So we didn't bother to put too much work into it
We did all this to you
But now that the day is over
And we're making it hard for you to get to sleep
We want to say this
We're sorry
We really are
We fucked you sideways
And we feel terrible about that
But hey
Look at it this way
Tomorrow
It's someone else's turn
To get fucked
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