"Christina Marks"
You're driving through a city
A city you've never been in before
You've never visited
You've never thought of visiting
You've never even flipped through a travel book
And you're driving
You're in an old car
An old beat-up car
Next to a guy
Who you would have had a crush on in high school
But you wouldn't have told your friends that
Because you were in Spelling Club
Lies
You STARTED Spelling Club
You created and starred in
Spelling Club
Anyway
You would have loved this guy
Because he's grungry
And you loved grungy boys
But you told everyone
That you loved Marvin Tolsah
Who played violin
And was brooding
Because it was the 'in' thing
To love Marvin Tolsah
And brooding
At least
It was amongst the Spelling Bees
That was what people in the group called themselves
At your insistence
Okay
So you're driving with this guy
Named Alan
Which like
Named Alan, right?
I mean can you really?
I mean, can you really?
Can you?
I can't
But I did
Alan
I'm serious
Alan lives somewhere near Providence
I'm not sure where
But it's this tiny little neighborhood
Where
Even though it was four am
Clearly everyone had been in bed
Since
Let's be liberal and say--
Seven pm
Anyway
It was a gorgeous night
And we're sitting on his lawn
I'm not kidding
On his lawn
And we're talking
We're doing that stupid talk
That you do at 4am
When you're spouting opinions
I actually made a comment
About my THEORY on LIFE
My Life Theory
Which is hysterical
Because for the life of me
I can't remember what it was
So it can't be that dynamite a theory
But I do remember
Alan's Theory
His Theory of Life
It went something like this--
'If you don't like it, move.'
Isn't that fantastic?
No, really
No sarcasm
Isn't it great?
'If you don't like it, move.'
Now
As you may know
If you read People magazine
Or US Weekly
Or, um, anything at this point
Probably Time
Probably Soap Opera Digest
At this point
I've been going through
A bit of a scandal
I mean, you kiss one girl
One stupid drunk girl
And get photographed
And all of a sudden you're a lesbian
And everyone's up in arms
But not really
Until you go on tv
And adamantly deny being a lesbian
Not because you don't like lesbians
But just because you're NOT a lesbian
And then the lesbians hate you
So then the gays
Who used to LOVE you
Hate you
And the straights could care less
Either way
So you're screwed
You're doing this stupid little movie
An independent movie
Telling yourself
That it could be good
That it could win an award
And reestablish you as an actress
But really you know
That you should be doing an action movie
Or a scary movie
And brining in box office
And doing all that shit
And not sitting on a lawn
Somewhere outside Providence
Listening to some super cute grungy boy
Who you're SOOO going to sleep with
In like, five seconds
Right there on the lawn
At four o'clock in the morning
And yet
Alan's Theory of Life
Somehow...
Makes sense
If I moved to Providence
Or to Alan's little suburb
Or to Iowa
Or to wherever
And nobody would care
That I smooched a drunk chick
And angered some lesbians
Here I was
Thinking I had lost my entire world
But I didn't
I lost Hollywood
I lost an industry
I lost fame
Well, noble fame anyway
I have a new kind of fame now
But the Spelling Bees
Would definitely be disappointed in me
Yes
Yes, that's all true
It's all true
But if I could deal
With losing all that
And just move
I mean, just leave
Just say 'Screw it'
And go...
It really would be okay
I mean, it would be fine
There is an entire world
That exists
Beyond the one city
That I think is the center of the universe
There are coral reefs I haven't seen
There are mountain ranges
There are Canadian provinces
And there are grungy boys
In tiny little neighborhoods
That I have not had the privilege
Of meeting
And it wouldn't mean giving up acting
It would mean giving up fame
The good and the bad fame
But not the acting
That I could keep
And you know
There's a difference
Between the two
'If you don't like it, move'
Yeah
I like Alan's Theory of Life
Who knows?
It might even make more sense than mine
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