Nikao Brody

Okay, you see that one?

The one with the alligator?
I was in the original

Did you see the original?
Piece of shit

Made something like
Eight billion dollars
You know why?

Because the alligator talked

No shit

The alligator talks

That makes it a family film
Forget that in the end
He eats the fucking villain

And this wasn't like
A serial killer villain
This was like
Fucking Snidely Whiplash

Like Boris and Natasha villain
And the fucking alligator
Eats the guy
 Because he twirled his mustache
One too many times

And me and the girl in the movie
Who I fucked
By the way
Before she won the Oscar
For that war movie
About that girl soldier
Who died honorably
Or some shit

She and I are standing there
Laughing
As the talking alligator
Licks his lips
And parents
Were taking their fucking kids
To this movie
To like
Fucking matinees
Of this movie
And they thought it was fine

A year later
I do a movie
Where a girl shows her tits
And all of a sudden
I'm a bad guy

I do demeaning movies
Movies that demean women
Degrading pieces of trash
That have no artistic value
Religious people
Now hate me

Keep in mind
The fucking alligator
Ate the guy
Ate him the fuck up
Licked his lips
Yummy yummy

They make eight sequels
They all make money
I'm not in any of them
Because after three
The fucking alligator
Had run out of things to say to me
So they replaced me
With a cartoon guy
And some talking frog
And I mean
Can I ask you something?

Why wouldn't the alligator
Eat the frog?

Because he talks?
He feels some kinship
With the talking frog maybe?
But the guy could talk
And he still ate him
Do you see what I'm saying?
You got me?
Yeah, you got me

Jesus...

Paradox
I'm talking about a paradox
There's a paradox here
That the public
Doesn't see

Okay, that poster?
The one for the rom-com
Romantic comedy
We call it rom-com

See, now you know a term
A real business term
A term we use
In the business
Rom-Com
Yeah, you got me

I was supposed to be in that
It's good to do movies like that
Keeps your demographics in line
Ladies like you
Ladies have money
You need to seem approachable

And I needed to do some damage control
After making that tits movie
So I sign up
To do this bullshit
Learn-how-to-love character
Named something like Scott
Or fucking Ryan
Some gayass name like that

I meet up with my co-star
The lovely girl on the poster
We do a little photo shoot together
Cause, you know
Us on-screen together
Kind of a thing
And the studio wants us on the cover
Of Happy Hearts magazine or some shit
You got me?
Yeah, you got me

So we do this photo shoot
Afterwards we go out to eat
And people are taking photos
And I'm thinking--
Great
Now everybody's going to think
That I'm dating this bitch
When I'm not
And most guys would love to date her
But she's not my type
And I don't want girls that ARE my type
Thinking THIS girl is my type
Because then the girls I want
Won't bother talking to me
And once you've been labeled
You've been labeled
Kiss a dude, you're a fag
Kiss a prude, you're stuck with prudes
Kiss this bitch, and I can kiss my type good-bye

So she brings it up
She actually brings it the fuck up
And says like
Now people are going to think we're hee hee hee--
And she's smiling
Like she likes the idea
Which she probably does
Because why wouldn't she
You know?
I was on People fucking magazine
Hottest Guy Alive two years in a row

You know when that happens?
Never

Neh-ver

She wanted a taste
I could tell

So there was only one thing to do

There's only one thing to do
When a girl looks at you that way
And keep in mind
I got to work with this girl
For the next few months
And then the press junkets
And the premieres
Plenty of time
For her to hang her fucking halo on me
And dub me her soulmate
And that shit gets messy

So what do I do?

I fuck her

I fuck her and never call
The next time I planned on seeing her
Was the first day of shooting
That way, I figure
She'll hate my guts
She'll get over it
And we can work together

That's how I think
You get me?
Yeah, you got me

She calls the producers
The next morning
Like, still in her robe
She finds me gone
And she CALLS the PRODUCERS
Tells them she can't do the movie with me
She's traumatized
She tossed the 'R' word around
Except she says I did it psychologically
I psychologically 'R'ed her
Right?
Can you believe that?
I wish I could have gone public with that shit
The fucking tit-squad would have sank that bitch
But instead
I had to keep quiet
Because you never know
You know?
Those kind of things
They're powder kegs

So the producers
They make the call
She's a better bet
In terms of rom-coms
Bringing in audience for it
And she won't work with me
So they replace with me
With that fucking fag on the poster
Probably just wiped the cum off his mouth
Before they snapped the photo
I bet him and the bitch were just thick as thieves
The whole damn time
They were making the movie
And I don't even care
You know why?

Because they're opening
Against the talking alligator

Yup

Good luck with that, cocktease
Get ready to be psychologically
Financially
And professionally
Bent over and done doggie style
By a giant talking alligator
A cartoon fisherman
And a frog
So you see why I'm not mad?
Yeah, you got me

I used to love going to the movies
Every time I had a day off
I'd go to the movies
And the thing I loved most
Was looking at all the posters
All the good stuff that was coming up
It was like checking out girls in a bar
You never knew what was going to be good
And what was going to suck
But when you're first looking
Everything's exciting

So here I am
Day off
No shooting on-set today
Making a touchy-feely
Bullshit indie movie
Written by some fag
Who used to live a mile from here
So what does he do?

He sets the whole damn movie in Providence
And the critics are going to run out of vaseline
Jerking off to this thing
Because it's so tender

And I'll probably win an Oscar
Because I cry at the end of it
And they'll just love that shit

Meanwhile I'm stuck
A mile from the middle of nowhere
And so what do I do?
I go to see a movie

I'm going to get my popcorn
I'm going to get my licorice
I'm going to sit back
And I'm going to watch a movie
And it's just going to be a movie

I might love it
I might hate it
I don't know

And you want to know something?
That stuff
The stuff you don't know
The stuff behind those posters
Are always better than the movie

That's what you find out
When you start working
That no movie is as good
As the shit behind it
That's the shit you should sit down
And pay to watch

And now it's all flipped for me
Now I know that stuff
But I can't enjoy the movies
I can't just sit there
And not pick them apart

Say--That guy's really an asshole
Or--That girl thinks she's a fucking princess in real life
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you got me

But until I sit down
With my popcorn
And my licorice
I don't know
I really don't

Maybe someday
Something will be so good
I won't care about that other shit

And that's the exciting part
The shit you don't know
That's exciting
You know what I mean?

Yeah, you got me