When You Leave

When you leave
We will have never ridden the ferris wheel
With all forgiven on a cushy pad
To the top and look down
Down on towns we don't live in
Giving into giggles
Nervous giggles
Coming from fears of heights
Right away the car would shake
And in my adrenaline-fueled panic
My mind would go manic to the tunes
Playing in my head
Envisioning you in bed next to me
Greedily hoping we get stuck
Here at the top

I'll think about that carnival
Where the rides all stop
When you leave

When you leave
We will never have cooked dinner
In our boxer briefs
Leafing through 10-minute cookbooks
Making it five minutes
Before we give up
And order Chinese
Greasy stovetops unappealing
Kneeling on the floor
Making out like whores paid extra
Extra Extra
I love my man
Can't stand up without applauding you
Brewing stew for you when you're sick
Thick as thieves
Like peas
Hates pickles
Fickle food maintenance disappears
When I'm in there
Cooking for you

But that's something I'll never do
When you leave

When you leave
I'll never see your favorite movies
With you sitting right by me
Giving me audio commentary
Visionary glances
Into the stances you take
On cinematic excellence
And why an actress' boobs are fake
I'll never watch you read
Your favorite books
Shooting you looks saying--

Put down that book
So I can pick you up

--Praying you never go
But you know
You do go
And you always knew
That you would
But I could have had that
At least

I could have had something
If only my memories
But I won't even have that
When you leave

When you leave
I'll think of the others
You loved in place of me
Denying me the pleasure
Of your company and measuring myself
Up against the titans known
As Sweater Guy and Asshole
Rolling their names around
Grounding their memories
In place of pleasantries I'd rather have
Stabbing my heart trying not to start
Crying knowing I wasn't your first

Kiss
Love
Like
Kiss
Touch
Tell
Kiss

And I won't be your current
Or your last
The past years slipped by me
Faster than I would have
Imagined they could
Should I try and grab
Or just gab about you
In my memoir
Armed with chapter headings
Filled with puns
The fun of recounting
Things we could have done
Soothing myself to relieve
The pain of an empty shelf

Who knows what I'll believe
When you leave