Lunch at the Lexington

Lillian, my goodness!

You're early!

Who in the world is early nowadays?
It's a sin

Right up there with arriving sans liqueur

Bernard always pronounces that wrong
Liqueur
Say 'liqueur' Bernard
Don't be shy
If you can make a fool of yourself
In front of the staff
You can certainly do it
In front of company
Who might actually be entertained by it

Bernard!
Come back!
I was only teasing!

He gets so touchy sometimes
I don't know how he lives with me
Him being sensitive the way he is

His wife threw him out eight years ago
And ever since then he's been sullen
Sullen and hunched over

I feel like I'm living with Quasimodo
Without the tap dancing

What?
He didn't?
Who am I thinking of?
Maybe Fred Astaire?
Did he have a hump?
Oh well, it doesn't really matter

Lillian, you look splendid!
That hat reminds me of a forest fire!
And those boots
You have gall walking outside in them
Delicious gall
If I didn't know you
I'd be looking for a hat
To toss money into

Have a seat
What?
Oh yes
You're already seated
I have such trouble noticing details

That must be why the maid was missing for three days
Before I realized it
Millicent was in charge of cleaning the east wing of the house
Which I never go into
Because it's haunted by my mother
I didn't visit that shrew when she was alive
And I have no plans on starting now

So tell me about Richard's visit to America
How was it?
Did he see a prostitute?
I've always wanted to see one in person
But mother never let me visit the city
And the police won't let them anyway near Lexington Court

I've thought of importing them
The way I import snow for Christmas
If it's a warm season
But Bernard tells me that could qualify as indentured servitude

Leave it Quasi to spoil all my fun
He's probably up in his room right now
Sulking and waiting to ring his bell

BERNARD! I'M EATING YOUR CUCUMBER SANDWICHES!
I'M LICKING THEM
THEN PUTTING THEM BACK ON THE PLATE!

He hates waste
His wife was wasteful
She once made a dress with a train
Out of five pound notes
Wore it to a costume ball
Said she was 'National Deficit'
Then proceeded to strip down to her...

Well, you get the point, I’m sure

I still regret missing that party

BERNARD! REMEMBER THE NATIONAL DEFICIT!

He hates when I bring it up
So I do it as often as I can
Which isn't easy
Considering I hate talking about money

That's why I can't help the poor
Because just thinking about them saddens me
And then I have to nap

I take the same attitude toward the impoverished
As I do the pigeons
Just throw money at them
And hope they get off the stoop

I do hope they find Millicent the Maid one of these days
She was the only one who felt comfortable
Going into the East Wing
Partially because it's haunted
And partially because it's where I keep
All my nude paintings of Bernard

The other members of the staff
Just hate looking at his portly little figure
Draped over chairs and in hammocks
And the like

But Millicent was blind
So it didn't affect her one way or the other

Some say she was kidnapped
Some say she eloped with Teddy
Who was either the chaffeur or the chimney sweep
I can never remember which

Others just think she's lost in the south wing somewhere
Bumping about in one of the libraries

That wing is haunted by my Aunt Vivian
Who I was very fond of
So I'll be glad if she has company
Even if company is just a little blind maid
Who could use tips on dusting and giving tea service

I don't know what inspired me to paint Bernard
There's something so grotesque about his naked frame
You feel you must document it for the future

Although he did refuse to let me paint him into a circus scene
Even though I had already drawn the clowns and the ponies
He can be so stubborn sometimes
Which is usually when I deny him food for a few days

I don't exactly deny him
I just don't tell him where the kitchen is
And for a few days he runs around looking for it
But always seems to end up in billiard room
Trying to eat the nine ball

I also have some torture devices in the east wing

Oh Lillian, I don't use them of course
They're keepsakes from my trip to Asia
Those Chinese do know how to throw a good party
Believe me, Lillian

I got a WHOLE room full of mementos
For a downright steal
Water torture devices, thumb presses
Chains, whips, a stuffed little person
Who I call Ralph
It's all there

Sometimes when Bernard is naughty
I lock him in that room
And listen to him scream
And swear that Ralph is smiling at him

I keep telling him Ralph was smiling when they stuffed him
But he simply won't hear reason
When he's hysterical

Oh yes, the trip to America
Where did Mr. Lillian go exactly?

New Jersey?

What's that?
Is that a part of New York?

Well, what's there?

. . . . .

Lillian, I made cucumber sandwiches for that?
Well, I HAD them made, anyway
Even if I didn't make them myself
Not to mention I let you walk into my house
Looking like Annie Oakley

Oh do come back
When Richard's been somewhere fun
Like California or Texas
Or even that place where they ban diversity
What's it called?

Right, Connecticut

Until then, I'm going to go check on Bernard
He can't be left alone
Or he tries to off himself
By sobbing until he loses his breath
And passes out

Oh, do be a dear
And show yourself out
It was Millicent's job
To escort out the guests
But now that she's gone…

We all have to make do