I didn't see the upside
Here I am
Five years into a job
And the company dissolves
I thought to myself
There cannot possibly be
An upside to this
There just can't be
But then it occurred to me, Marty
I never have to like you again
I never even have to pretend to
I can hate your guts
All I want
And nobody can stop me
Nobody can tell me
That I have to put it aside
So that we can have
A positive working relationship
We don't need to have
Any kind of relationship
We don't even need to pretend
That the other person exists
I can leave this office
Right now
And for all I know
You could be hit by a bus
A glorious bus
Driven by angels
I never have to smile at you
Pretending I don't wish you
Covered in burning wax
Like a giant asshole candle
I never have to be at parties with you
And watch with dread
As the room I'm in empties
Inexplicably
So that you and I
Are the only two people left in it
I never have to pretend
That I wouldn't screw your wife
Just to piss you off
I can be a good person now
Isn't that marvelous?
All this time
We've been pretending
That we liked each other
Just because not liking each other
Would be a tad more difficult
We had to laugh together
And make memories together
When all we really wanted to do
Was throw staplers at each other's heads
And send each other viruses via e-mail
I have more memories with you
Than I do with best friends
With siblings, cousins
Co-workers I actually LIKE!
All because I had to make more of an effort
To create good times with you
To cover up the fact
That I wanted to cover you in venomous snakes
But now
I never have to like you again
And do you want to know
What the worst part was?
I questioned
Whether or not
You felt the same way
I wondered if maybe it was just me
I wasn't sure
If maybe I was just nasty
And that you really did like me
And that finding out I hated your guts
Would ultimately destroy
You puny little heart
But then last week
When we heard the news
About the company
I saw that look on your face
It was almost like a smile
As much of a smile you can have
When you learn that you're old
And about to be impoverished
And I knew why you smiled
Because I was smiling too
You were thinking--
Hey, if nothing else
I never have to see that putz again
So here's to you, asshole
May you live long
And live far away from me
Like it or not
Our lives have been tied together
For all this time
And a part of me
Will miss having someone
To throw all my misery into
Not a big part of me
But a part, a small part
A micro--
Well, you get what I'm saying
Now if you'll excuse me
I'm taking my Word-a-Day calendar
And the photos of people I like
And I'm heading out
Good luck
Believe it or not
I mean that
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