The Reluctant Groom

The priest asked if I wanted to get married.
And I said… “Nuh uh.”
Well, why are you engaged, he asked.
I said, “Ummmmm…I dunno…”
Well, he said, shouldn’t you break it off with your fiancée?
I said, “Ummmmm…I guess so…”
But the thing is.
We picked out the cake.
And it’s vanilla.
And…apparently…it’s really expensive.
So yeah.

But
I mean
I like guys.
So that’s a problem.

I guess.

But
I told my fiancée
Her name’s Cheryl
That I like guys
And she said
“Okay.”
And then we really didn’t
Um
Talk about it again.

So yeah.

I don’t know.

I’m over it.

But
The problem
Is
I kind of
Might be
Sort of in love
With my best man
His name’s Lucky
Which is cute
I think
And
He’s my fiancé’s best friend
But
She says
If I leave her for him
She’ll totally disown me from her life
And hang herself from the front of Macy’s
Which is where she works
And
I don’t really want that to happen
Because
I like Macy’s
And the bad publicity
Would be bad
So yeah

The invitations were printed on special paper.

(Shrug.)

I wanted there to be popsicles at the wedding
Because a wedding
Is an expression
Of both people
And popsicles express me
In ways I feel
Vanilla frosting
And
Special paper
Don’t

But Cheryl
Told me
Before she has popsicles at our wedding
She’ll impale herself on the Space Needle

(Pause.)

Which is in Seattle.

(Pause.)

I’m not sure how she’d get to Seattle
But if she did
She’d do it
I know she would
So I gave up popsicles.

(A beat.)

When we make love
She calls me Frito

I don’t know why.

Maybe she likes Fritos.

I think she might be a lesbian.
Because
She makes me wear fake breasts
And tells me to grow my hair long
And she’s already starting calling me
Um
This is a little embarrassing
She calls me
My Little Lady Man

And I don’t really find that endearing

So…
Sorry?

(Pause.)

I might have to break off the engagement
But I’m not sure what we’ll do with the cake
And the doves we flew in from Cheyenne
Will probably die
Unless someone adopts them
But Cheryl might kill them all
As an act of protest

And I’d feel bad about that
The doves are innocent after all

(Pause.)

I told Lucky I loved him
And then we fornicated
On a pile of invitations
Before I mailed them out

He told me it can’t happen again
Unless I break it off with Cheryl
But she’s been collecting knives
And I don’t think it’s a coincidence
Her mother weeps when I’m around
Either because I randomly blurt out the word
“Foreskin”
Whenever I want
To make people uncomfortable
In the hopes that Cheryl will start to hate me
And call off the wedding
But her mother keeps telling me
Through her tears
That Cheryl wants nothing more in life
Than a husband to hate
And she says she’s crying
Because she knows
Her grandchildren will all be born retarded.
Severely retarded
And probably gay
Since I mean…two gays don’t make a straight.

That’s her saying that, not me.

(Pause.)

Lucky’s gone missing
Cheryl won’t take responsibility
But I’m pretty sure I saw her pulling rope
Out of her Jeep the other night
And I heard muffled screams coming from the garage
My love compels me towards the garage
In the hopes of saving my soulmate
But the rest of me likes not being burned with a blowtorch

(Shrugs.)

We got a band
And we’re serving chicken.
But not popsicles.

(Pause.)

Compromise is necessary in a marriage
That’s what the priest says.

I guess I agree.