Dear Darling

Dear Darling

I think of other men when I'm with you.
Lots of other men.
Legions upon legions of them.
Beach bums, heroin addicts
Booksellers, lumberjacks
A lot of lumberjacks
I think of them all

You'll be lying next to me
And I'll wish that we both hadn't been rescued
When we celebrated our anniversary on a cruise ship that sunk
Very unceremoniously, I might add
A celebration of our wedded union ended with lifeboats
I never was good at determining irony
But I believe that's an example of it

Travis, you truly are the Siamese twin I can't remove
For fear my heart might start beating again
And give me a shock that would take my life
Just like in that short story by that woman whose name I can't bother to remember
I feel like you're attached to my neck
Like a little monkey that continuously demands feeding
Only to relieve himself on my shoulder given every opportunity

To answer the question I know you're asking
No, I have not been having an affair
Oh, please don't be mistaken
In my head I'm a philandering adulterer
Having trysts with every cashier and clerk
I come in contact with on a daily basis
In my dream I've had relations with every one of your friends
And every member of your family
Including your Uncle Richard with the bad leg
And your Cousin Nina who dabbles in lesbianism

Oh yes, in my head I've done you wrong
But in reality, I'm just bored
I wish you harm almost every moment of the day
I make your toast while looking at bleach
I iron your clothes while looking at sharp knives
I wait for you to come home from work while sitting in the garage
The keys in the ignition
Sometimes I think I hear them talking to me
They're saying 'Go, Sarah, Go!'
And also, 'Get an oil change.'
But I can't do either
I don't have the strength

And when I hear you come in the door
I whimper a little and fetch your paper
You don't have a wife anymore, Travis
You've got a Labrador who can speak but doesn't
If I had sharp teeth I'd bite you
And you'd have to put me down
Then life would be sweet again
At least for one of us
But then again you don't even realize how miserable I am
You merely pat my head and go to your armchair
While I pee on the rug and weep
Water is pouring from every part of me, Darling
And you couldn't care enough to lift your eyes from the Business Section

But I've got good news
News you won't find in the Business Section
That's for sure
Darling, I've solved the problem
I found you someone else
Someone who better suits you
A woman that'll make you so much happier than I ever could
I found her in the personal ads
Her name is Crimson
Like the color
Isn't that...interesting?

I've already had lunch with her twice
I explained that I'm dying and that you need a new wife
I didn't tell her that I was only dying on the inside
And that as soon as she marries you I'll be reborn
With a new life and most likely, a new lover
I left those parts out
I even coughed a little to lead her astray
I suppose I should feel bad about that
But if all of this works out, what harm will have been done?

We talked for hours
She's a lovely woman, Travis
She enjoys so many of the things you do
Or things you will enjoy, once you see how excited she gets about them
She likes going to the zoo and watching animals being born
I wasn't aware they would even let you watch animals being born
But if you lie and tell them you're a local zoology student
Apparently they make exceptions
She told me she's seen the births of six giraffes, two elephants, a leopard, and a koala bear
I marvel at her
I saw the Miracle of Life video when I was fourteen
And I swore I'd allow vital organs to be removed from my body
Before I'd let a baby gestate in there
Especially a baby with your forehead, Travis
Feeling something like that bumping up against me
Would be enough to have me summoning a priest
Crying 'Rosemary's Baby! Rosemary's Baby!'

Imagine how nice it'll be on your first date, you and Crimson
You'll go watch a zebra being born
I'm not sure what that looks like
Probably like watching your mother climb out of a pool in a two-piece
Something I've had to live with every summer since we've been married
I'm sure you'll love it

Crimson is an atheist, Travis
Something I admire greatly
Oh, don't get me wrong
I still believe in God
I've just taken on the same opinion of Him
That I have of all other men
I pledged my love to you before God
But since God has foresaken me
By leaving me to die in this loveless marriage
Why bother keeping any promises to him?
Crimson won't be going to church with you, that's true
But she is fond of motorbike ralleys
She took me to one while I was getting to know her
That's the night I told you I was going to play bridge with the girls
Really, Travis, do you anything about me anymore?
I've never played bridge and I don't have 'girls'
And it's not 1953 and we're not Lucy and Ricky
So I have no idea why you let me leave the house that night
Unless you were just happy you were going to get to work on your model trains in peace

I told Crimson about your model trains
About how you work for hours on them
And after I assured her you weren't a homosexual
She said she found the whole thing cute
What a jackpot we've hit with her, Travis
Both you and I
That anyone could be so understanding
She's even offered to build you a little general store for your train village
Whereas I light matches and then 'accidentally' drop them in the middle of your train cornfields
Praying for mass train devastation
And hoping you don't have a little train Red Cross hidden anywhere
Alas, the matches never take hold
They always seem to land in your miniature train lake
The lake you named after me
I have dreams at night of shrinking myself
And then stepping in front of that miniature train
Like a miniature Anna Karenina committing miniature suicide
Or attaching weights to my ankles like a miniature Virginia Woolf
And wading into the lake named after me
Drowning in two centimeters of water
These are my new fantasies, Darling
This is what I aspire to

And so, Travis, I must depart
By the time you read this letter
I'll be on a train in Budapest
Rather than in front of one
Brushing up on my French
Heading to some sort of commune
Where I'll meditate on my life
To the point of unrelenting depression
And then head to a five-star hotel
Where I'll eat swordfish and dance every night
At whatever ballroom will have me

Crimson will be by in a few days with a moving van
I've told her how you like your toast--smothered in strawberry jam
How you like your clothes ironed--leave the sleeves wrinkled, who knows why
And I've told her to throw out everything but the Business section
So you won't have to struggle too much to get to the parts of the paper you enjoy
Everything else is written out in post-its all over the house
Don't touch them, or else risk having Crimson bother you ever five seconds
In order to find the location of the monkey wrench or the guest towels

Sincerely,
Sarah

Post Script

I've loved you as best I could.
Please don't hate me.
I'm sure I was as bad a wife as you are a husband, possibly worse.
On the day we were married I remember thinking you were the sun
Come down from heaven to keep me warm and happy forever.
I'm not sure when that day ended.
I'm not sure who left first
But me leaving now is certainly not the first time someone has departed this marriage.
I'm glad we never had children we could hurt.
I'm glad this will force us to evade years upon years of dismal matrimony.
I'm glad I had a husband, and I'm glad he was you.
And I'm so angry at myself for not being able to make this work
That sometimes I'm the one I want to walk out on

I'll miss you terribly
Not as my husband
But as the man who loved me
And named a lake after me

You'll always be Darling, Travis
But I have to be someone else