I'm Just Going to Sit

-- This is what happens when a person who can't shut up (cough cough me cough cough) tries to comfort someone. --

"I'm Just Going to Sit"

I'm just going to sit
I'm not going to talk
I promise, no talking
None at all

. . . . .

I should say though
Before the silence begins
That he was an asshole
He really was an asshole
I mean, a colossal asshole
Who ruled over a nation of assholes
In the land of Giant Ass

And I'm only saying that
Because you seem to be upset
And it's fine to be upset
It's expected to be upset
But you shouldn't be that upset
Because, as I said, he was an asshole

Okay, silent time

. . . . .

He smelled too
I always wanted to tell you that
He smelled sooo bad
I mean, did he shower--

--Ever?

I marveled at his smell
That would be the only word
That aptly describes
How I felt
Whenever I was in his presence

I would just marvel
At what a smelly bastard he was
And why such a pretty girl
Would want such a smelly asshole
Who ate with his hands
All the time

Did he have some sort of
Religious objection
To using utensils?

Is that why he never ordered soup?
Who picks up lettuce off a plate
Right up off a plate
And eats it like it's a mozzarella stick?

Who does that?

Never mind
Forget it
I'm not going to say anything else
I'm just going to sit
I'm just going to sit with you
And make you feel better
By drowning you in empathetic silence

. . . . .

Can I just ask what he did?
What did he do?
Do you want to talk about it?
You can talk about it, you know
I certainly wouldn't--

Okay
Okay
Never mind

I'm just going to sit

. . . . .

Did he cheat?
Was there cheating?
Who did he cheat with?
Was it with Gary?
Did he cheat with Gary?

That ugly waiter from Fridays?
That ugly guy who worked at Banana?
That ugly guy who Chris dated?
The cute guy I liked

I'll kill him

What?

Oh
Okay
Never mind

I'm just going to sit

. . . . .

Do you want to put your head on my shoulder?
Wouldn't that be nice?
Come on, try it
Just put your head down
Cry if you want to

We're on a bench
We're in a park
It's a lovely day
You should cry

Get it all out, you know?
Just unleash the sorrow
I won't feel uncomfortable
I promise

I'm so good
At dealing with other people's tragedy
It's ridiculous

I could--

Sorry

I'm just going to sit

. . . . .

This is soothing, right?
Do you feel soothed?

Good
Great

Aren't you glad you still have me?
Aren't you glad we can just sit?
Isn't this nice?

Let's just sit
Let's just sit and forget
About everything