Suffer and Smile

-- I've written about marriages dissolving, but I've always dodged the idea of what happens when marriage dissolved and children are involved. Maybe it hits a little too close to home. Well, let's be a little brave, shall we? --

"Suffer and Smile"

You're going home
Dad, I want you to listen to me
You are going home
Right now
I'll drive you

I don't want to hear it
I don't want to hear that you weren't happy
If you weren't happy
You should have left
In the two years before you had children
Now you have three
Which means you go home
And you suffer until the other two turn eighteen

I don't suppose Cameron called you crying
Or did he? And you just didn't pick up?
I picked up
And I could hear Sadie in the background
Asking Mom where you are
Or rather
Asking Mom's door
Since she won't come out of the bedroom

I then had to go home
Which is an hour ride from campus
Pick up Cam and Sadie
Bring them to Grandma's
And then drive another hour here
To this lovely little hotel
Past the room next to this one
That still has yellow crime tape on the door
And I have a mid-term tomorrow
I did not do all this so that you
Could have a heart-to-heart with me
About your happiness

I don't care if you're happy
I don't care if you're unhappy
I care about the two kids sleeping at Grandma's
Who need their father, Dad

So YOU'RE GOING HOME

I'm sorry you grew up in an unenlightened era
Where you were forced into marriage
By unfeeling parents
Who didn't care about your future joy or satisfaction
Perhaps you should have grown balls then
And told them--

'No, I'm not getting married to this person
Who I very much dislike
Just to satisfy you
Because one day
I'll wind up having kids with her
And then years later
I'll discover that I want to leave
And I will
And my children will be devastated
And lives will be ruined
Because I couldn't stand up to you'

If you didn't have the guts to say that then
Then you suffer now
It's called cause and effect
And yes, it is
A bitch

Don't tell me not to swear
And don't tell me how to talk to you
In this moment you have lost the right to parent
You walked out on Mom
As if you could have cared less what it did to her
After twenty years of marriage
Like you have no responsibilities
Like you have no obligations
Other than to drop her a check
Every couple of weeks

Yourself?

YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES TO YOURSELF!
YOU GAVE THEM UP WHEN YOU DECIDED TO BREED!

I'm shouting because you've gone deaf!
That's why I'm shouting!
Because you won't listen to reason
Apparently Uncle Steven's called you
Aunt Dee's called you
You won't listen to anyone
Do you think we've all just gone crazy
When we tell you that you have to go back?

We're not unaware that you're unhappy
We just don't care!

And no, I'm not telling you to go back and die
A slow painful emotional death
I'm not asking you to do anything

I'm TELLING you to go back
Suffer
And
Smile

When little Sadie reaches eighteen
You and Mom can whip out the rope and the gasoline
And play Reservoir Dogs for all I care
But until then
You're going to
Suffer
And
Smile

Because this is the life you chose
This is the life you have brought upon yourself
And you will live it
And pay for it
Just like the rest of us

LOOK AT ME DAD

You do NOT have the right to do this
And I don't care what hippie-guru-tv-doctor
Oprah-wannabe-shit-talked put it in your head
That you could waltz out the door
And close your heart off to Mom
And that all the rest of us
Would applaud you for it
But they were mistaken

If you leave
You're gone
You're dead
No more Daddy

I'll have the talk with Cam and Sadie myself
Yes, they'll be heartbroken
But they won't be shipped back and forth
From their home
To whatever run-down hellhole
You wind up in

They won't have to answer awkward questions
Or wonder whether or not they were the cause of this
Or have to split every holiday two ways
I'll testify in front of the judge myself
To stop that from happening

I'll say you're abusive
I'll say you're damaging
That you're a drug user
That you're a pervert
Try me, Dad

I am the product of your unhappiness
I am the result of your misery
Your unbridled, loud-and-clear
Marital strife

And I am now in the position
To put a stop to it

So you go home
With me
Right now

Or the marriage isn't all that's over

And you can be happy
All by yourself

It'll be a real clean break
I can promise you that

So?

.....

Please
Please go home
Please try to fix this
I'm begging
Please don't do this

If you do this
I'll hate you
I won't want to
But I will

Please, Dad
Please just go home

How could you do it?
How could you be happy
Knowing all of us were hurting
So badly

Please just try
For another month
Another week
Just please

Please