Of Course She Got Married

-- I was looking at the wedding photos in the newspaper, and this came out. That's all. --

"Of Course She Got Married"

Of course she got married
Of course she did
What else was she going to do?
Get a job?
Find a career?
Cultivate some sort of personality?
Doubtful
Highly doubtful

She had to get married
And look at the groom
He’s bland
He’s vanilla ice cream
No syrup
No nuts
He’s perfect for her
They’ll be together until they die

Unless she finds out
He’s fucking the tennis instructor
Oh, be assured, Rissy
Be assured
That there will be a tennis instructor
And he will be fucking her
And no I will not watch my language
Because these are facts

This is the way things are

Can you hand me that bagel?
No, the raisin one
I don’t like them plain
I’m not—
Here
What’s her name?
Mrs. Terrence Phillips

Why do they do that?
Why do they put each couple down
As Mr. and Mrs. Man’s Name?
Why don’t you women get upset about that?
Why have you all let feminism
Fall completely by the wayside?
Gloria Steinem has been too quiet lately
If you ask me

When you see things like that
In a newspaper
Under the photo
Of two incredibly stupid people
Who look stupidly happy
As they head off to their stupid honeymoon
Probably somewhere unnecessarily exotic
Like New Guinea
As if anyone should go there
For a honeymoon

Look at this one
With that poker face
Did she just get married
Or is she ready to play a hand?
That is going to be one miserable man
I’ll tell you that, Rissy
He already looks tired
And the journey’s just begun
He looks healthy too
Which means it could last awhile
They won’t make it to year five
If they make it to year two
I’ll send them a gift basket
And I don’t even know them

Then there’s David and Goliath over here
Upper left hand corner
How’s that consummation supposed to work?
Is he going to scale her
Like a rock climbing wall?
How was this match-up not ruled out
On the first date
What went through her head?

‘Well, he’s so small
That I feasibly could give birth to him
But I’m nearing thirty
So who cares?’

I wonder if he recited vows
Or just announced
That the Wicked Witch
Was in fact dead

Oh
My
God

Bottom right
He is gay
Rissy, I’m not kidding
He’s gay
I’ve slept with him

Let me look at the—

Yup!
Todd Paternoska
Summer, three years ago
At Delia’s pool party
Someone brought him
And he followed me into the bathroom
When I went to change out of my bathing suit
And…

Wow
And I mean—
It was obvious
Really
It wasn’t that hard to—

Well
Look at her
Poor thing
She has no clue
It’s probably why she loves him
She’d probably be terrified to marry
A straight man

Look at those curls
Straight men don’t have curls like that
Not unless they’re on the ceiling of a cathedral
Poor Katie Paternoska
Maybe I should shoot her an e-mail

Do you see?
Do you see how foolish it is?
To get married?
Do you understand?

I can tear apart
Any one of these couples
I just have to look at them
And I know
Most of them are not going to make it

Just at a glance

It was good that you called it off
Weddings are a hassle
And knowing you
You would have turned into She-ra
The evil bride of death
And your mother would have hated the dress
Your father hated Trevor
The whole thing is a blessing
It’s a blessing

What?

The invitations…

I’ll do them
I’ll go through
And call everyone

It’ll be fun
I can make up some story
Tell them that Trevor
Bedded all the bridesmaids
And that you screwed his father
As retribution

Oh come on now
Trevor’s father is a dish
A big hot dish of clam chowder

Good
You laughed
Score for me

. . . . .

You know
There could have been another way
I didn’t have to go to the wedding
Despite what people think
You know I hate making trouble

I could have just stayed home
And then we could have snuck in lunch
Here and there
Once you got back

Wives keep secrets from their husbands
It wouldn’t have been that awful
It would have been like an affair
Without the sex
But with all the pillow talk

I just…

I don’t want to be
The reason you’re unhappy
Trevor has his…
Views
And that’s fine
I mean
People have views, Rissy

And their views
Don’t make them bad people

And if he didn’t want me at the wedding
Well, it’s his wedding too
I could have stayed home

I’m not defending him
I’m just saying—
I don’t want to be
The reason you ended it

I can’t be the reason
That you’re so sad
It would kill me

You’re my best friend
I want you to be happy
If that means we can’t see each other
I would understand
I would hate it
But I would understand
Trevor has a very high-profile job
It’s understandable
I understand

I really…

. . . . .

Thank you
Thank you for doing this

I was afraid you wouldn’t
And truth be told
I don’t want us to grow old together
I want to meet and marry
Someone old and rich
Ready to sign his will away
And I want you to meet Prince Charming
And go off into the sunset

I want us to have us
But I want us to have more than us too

And I don’t want to hurt your chances at that
If we can have the latter
But not the former…

. . . . .

Fine
Pass me the cream cheese
The one with the chives
Not the plain
I’m not Mrs. Terrence Phillips

And the crossword puzzle
And the orange juice
And I love you

. . . . .

Oh don’t get all sappy
You’ll ruin brunch