Tessa, Rehabilitating

-- I’m shocked it’s taken me this long to write about a character in rehab. --

“Tessa, Rehabilitating”

I am not well
I will never be well
I am better
Yes
Because I am here
As soon as you step in here
You are better
You enter a blissful place
Called Better
Everything you’ve done
All the horrible
Awful
Things
Suddenly become a forgivable thing
Called
Your Past

It really is something
I mean
It’s really something
When you think about it
Especially considering how much that has to hold
All the things that has to encompass
Your Past

It’s sort of like taking World War II
And referring to it as
The Skirmish

. . . . .

They tell you
You’ll feel better
If you drink papaya juice
If you eat apple sees
If you avoid danishes

They tell you
That you’ll be healthier
If you rub your temples
Or if you have someone
Do it for you

They tell you
That the lions
Walking in the garden
Are not figments of your imagination
They’re flown in from the Serengeti
To add a little luster to the place
So relax

They tell you
That your relatives
Have visited
Several times
But that you refuse to see them
Even then you’d love to see them
Isn’t that funny?

They tell you
To eat coconut slices
To suck on caramel fudge
To bite your fingernails
One habit has to replace other habits
And there are bad habits
And worse habits
And they’d like you
To stick to the bad habits

They tell you
That you must not keep
Porcupines as pets
Despite the fact
That you own five
And you’re very fond of them
They’re very well-behaved
You tell them
But they don’t believe you

They say
When you leave here
You must get rid of the porcupines

When I leave her
When will that be?

That they don’t say

. . . . .

The aides are all nice
I like them
They’re all friends
Because they were all castmates
On the show California Dreams
Which I never watched
But I’m sure was lovely
Since they’re all lovely people

We all sit around the fire
It’s not a real fire
They won’t allow real fires
But they allow us to watch fire
On television
And so we do
And we sing

‘Don’t wake me up’
‘Don’t wake me up’
‘If I’m dreamin’
‘California dreams’
‘Just let me lay here in the sun’
‘Until my dream is done’

Oftentimes
They tell me about their personal lives
Then they’ll tell me about the storylines
When I ask what their show was about
And I end up getting confused
As to who really dabbled in drugs
And who just tried it on the show
But either way
I never let that person
See where I keep my meds
Just to be on the safe side

. . . . .

We talk about the lions
How they’re a problem
How they’ve eaten people
But we’re not listened to

We talk about our children
One of the women here
Has eighty-seven children
Or so she says

I envy her
I’d love eighty-seven children
You can’t possibly be expected
To do a good job
Raising eighty-seven children
So when your children turn out
To be vicious little monsters
People can just say

‘Well what do you expect?
She had to raise so many of them.’

And you will be absolved

We talk about Dr. Shrank
With his somewhat unfortunate name
And his large ears
And his bad breath
And the fact that he pats our knees
When we cry
Which only makes the crying worse

We talk about pornography on the walls
The bad words scrawled everywhere
As if we weren’t in a premium
Rehabilitation center
As if we weren’t paying extra
To have the place spotless
As if we could possibly get better
In a place that has words like

Well you can’t say them
You can’t

But they’re there
Staring at you
And no matter how often
The California aides scrub them off
They always reappear

And one of the doctors
Even insinuated
That you do it
And then forget

Preposterous

And yet
You find ballpoint pens
In your drawers
That you didn’t know you brought with you

And it makes you close the drawer
And swear never to open it again
Until you do by accident
And then all sorts of things slip out

. . . . .

They tell you
That if you say you believe in God
You will

They tell you
That if you ask for forgiveness
It will be granted

They tell you
That if you play Scrabble
It will build up your vocabulary
And you will be better at other things
Like crossword puzzles
And spelling bees

They tell you
You’re not a bad person
You’ve just done bad things

They tell you
Don’t forget
Remember

They tell you

Go here
Go there
Wear this
Be careful
Accept
Challenge
Redeem
Revoke
Amend
Don’t screw
Buy plants
Don’t date
No pets
Eat healthy
Don’t die

Less the success rates
Plummet

They tell you what you want to hear
Because you pay them extra for that
They don’t tell you to do anything
That you don’t want to do
And if you tell them you don’t want to do it
They’ll tell you not to

Don’t Accept
Don’t Challenge
Don’t Redeem
Screw it all
Keep your porcupines
You can still get better

You pay them extra to lie
But you can’t pay yourself
To believe the lies

You pay them extra to get you well
But only you can make yourself well
And you don’t want to be well
Being well
Is the end
You’d rather stay
In Better

Better is fine
Better will do
For now

But you listen to what they tell you
And you think

What would you say
If you could say anything

What would you do
If you really thought you could be forgiven

Who would you be
If you weren’t such a screw-up?

Why are you here?
Why am I here?
When can I leave?

And they smile
Because they’re paid to
And they say

‘Whenever you want
Whatever you want
It’s all up to you’

And outside
The lions claim
Another victim