Your Audition

-- Just for fun --

“Your Audition”

Dear Mr. Barnes

We regret to inform you
That you have not secured the role
Of Ensemble Member #12
In our production of—

“Club Tropicana: The Music of Wham!”

We noticed that you checked the box
On our audition sheet
Marked--

‘Check if you never want to be on our mailing list
Should you not get into this production.’

But since we’re sure
You would never check that box
We assume
That you checked the box
Requesting feedback
Which we are happy to give

First off
Your audition monologue was stellar
Who knew that a young man
Could pull off a monologue
From ‘Now, Voyager’
AND using Bette Davis’ voice

That’s quite an impersonation
You have there, Mr. Barnes
Or should I say—

Ms. Davis?

Hahaha…

Apologies
Who knows why I bother to type
Hahaha
In a letter

Moving on

Your song choice left us a bit confused
After the delirious joy we experienced
Over the ‘Now’ monologue
We were all brought down
By your decision to sing—

‘With Ribbons Down My Back’
From Hello Dolly!

Though it is a lovely Jerry Herman tune
We didn’t see how it corresponded
To any music similar to Wham!’s
Jerry Herman
Wham!
Jerry Herman!
Wham!
It looks like I’m describing somebody
Beating poor Jerry Herman
Doesn’t it?

Hahaha

There I go again!

And I don’t need to beat Jerry Herman
The American Theater has already done that
Plenty of times in the past twenty years

But back to the point
Hello Dolly! does not sound like Wham!
Unless you count ‘I Put My Hand In’
Which you can’t
Because it’s only in the film
And Barbra Streisand was too young for that part
And the only way it sounds like Wham!
Is if you put a beat behind it
And take some hits of JJ

Which nobody should ever do

So that might have cost you the role
But you were still in the running
Since all you really need to be able to do
To play Ensemble Member #12
Is walk, stop, look at something, and then walk again

(Not that doing all that isn’t important!
No small roles!
Only big egos!
Hahaha)

But then came the dance audition
Where you really sealed your fate
And not in a good way
If there is any good way
To seal something
Especially fate
There really isn’t any Tupperware big enough
But even if there were
You couldn’t

Anyway

Some people may have found the dance
Perhaps
Grueling

Five hours
Is quite a bit of dancing
For community theater

And we’re aware
That springing a simple
Jazz-tap-modern-jazz-balle

t-tap-jazz-kickline-back to modern-robot-jazz
Combo
On people who have non-existent dance training
May seem like a bit much

But really
Did you have to pass out?
Was that necessary?
We had to stop the whole audition
Just so we could wait for the ambulance

(We do hope you got our flowers
They should get to your hospital room
Any day now)

So sadly
You are not being asked
To join our production

But we would love it
If you’d agree
To work in a very crucial role
Behind the scenes

As the personal wardrobe assistant
To the actor playing Andrew Ridgely

Please get back to us
If that’s something that would interest you

Best of luck in your recovery
The Willenest Players