Mr. Two Fifty Eight

Know any good fat jokes?

The one about the guy who ate one hundred omelets on a dare?
The one about the guy who went to the all-you-can eat buffet?
The one about the guy and the turkey and Lake Superior?

Oh, I've heard them all.

I've heard them behind people's backs
Behind closed doors
Or slightly ajar ones
Where the punchline knocked loudly
So that I had to pull my ear away
And be stoic and hard
When people finally walked in

Or I'd hear it in crowded rooms
Parties, where people would turn to me
And see if I would wince
At the sound of my situation
Being used to get a few giggles
I'd giggled too; what else could I do?
But be the jolly fat guy
Who isn't afraid to make jokes
And not make things
Uncomfortable

Oh, don't you recognize me?
Has it been that long?
Or is it simply the hour is late
I'm your old punching bag
Mr. Two Fifty Eight

Don't I look better now?
Oh, I should have said hi
When I walked by you
I was going to
But then I remembered
That I didn't want to
Delude you into thinking
I hold no grudges
I'm nothing but a grudge
That won't budge despite my pleading
Until agreeing to come here
And confront the man who crowned me
That being you

Oh well

How's your wife doing?
The girl that I liked
I see she got pregnant
And early in life, too
Good for you!

What is she twenty?
Twenty-three, twenty-two?
Well, anyway, congrats
You'll be a great dad
Assuming your kids
Aren't fat like I was
Then you'll belittle them
Just like my dad did to me
Made me run miles
Everyday after school
I'd drool and pant
But he'd never say stop
And when that didn't work
He stopped working too
And dropped from my life

Wow, your wife's gotten old

Old looking, I mean
Then again, you have too
Put on a few, pounds I mean
And your eyes look so weary
Makes me teary thinking that at one point
I cared about what you fuckers thought
That I was of the false opinion
Your thoughts were of merit
To someone who read the classics for fun
And when he was done
He learned Latin and Greek
To feel less meek despite his counter feeling of heft
The theft of my childhood falls to many thieves
But Daddy being dead leaves you to take what's left

I remember writing your wife letters
Long, drawn-out letters
Where I'd offer poems and metaphors
Comparing her to flowers, night skies
Illuminating the lives of worthless weeds like me
Shit like that'll drive you crazy
If you fill your life with it
And you can't
You can't fill up with anything
Anything but food
Which seems to do the trick
Hey, when did you last see your dick?

Sorry, that was a joke from the past
One lobbed at me while I ran
Ran past you and your wife
And all of you laughing
I'd catch her glance as I ran
And I wondered if she'd love me if I didn't look so...

And the answer is yes
Always yes

Then I lost all the weight
And I ran back to get her
But she's wearing a Varsity sweater
She's been married three years already
Her heavy heart ain't the only thing on her that's heavy
There's a kid on her arm
And one on the way
And her husband is the guy who christened me
Mr. Two Fifty Eight

Why is it in our lives
When we feel like we have nothing
We find ourselves burdened
Heavy loads and empty sacks
So they wind up on our backs
And we can't look up
Until we can figure out a way
A place to drop them
And know they'll be safe

Well I have to say
Well done, my friend
And no, I didn't come to brag
Or to drag my past through the door
I'm much better than that
I'm simply here to pass the torch

It took some time
But it was worth the wait
Congrats to you
The new and improved
Mr. Two Fifty Eight